The Door was The Way

In the Beginning

2011-09-29T20:07:00.004+10:00

For the past couple of weeks, my sleeping patterns have been completely out of phase and notoriously inconvenient for schooling life. However, this morning for no apparent reason, I woke at 4:30 and I wanted to take advantage of this blissful loneliness.

Face unwashed, stomach empty and my hair done up in a crude ponytail, I decided that I would take my dog and venture somewhere that would be momentarily untouched by human life: my driveway.

No matter how far I looked, the world was dead to me. What I could see, however, were snippets of what civilization had created for itself without any evidence containing it. It occurred to me in that moment, that nobody, not even I, had ever seen or would ever get to see exactly the same thing as what I saw then - creatures will never cease the endless cycle of life and death; birds in the sky will never take the path; cars will never be parked in the same place.

It was then that I realised that it was not freedom of choice or intelligence that put humans above other life forms, but rather an idea of change with the principle of survival underlying the ethos of our society. Creation, in its ultimate wisdom, has envisioned a matrix of infinite possibilities maintaining the progression of human consciousness.

Humans may never experience physical evolution, but what we ignore in our day to day lives, is the greatest evolution of all: the evolution of the mind. The "human" of 2008 is a very different to the human of 1908. I struggle to imagine believing, entirely, in a completely different reality - in different social norms or different modes of thought.

It is not merely the knowledge that we have gained over the years that distinguishes us from our ancestors, but is the ever changing way in which we view the world. It is what makes humans, human.

She and I sat there for what felt like an eternity.

I returned to the house, and checked the time. I had been out there for a mere thirteen minutes.

---------

As a side note, I'd like to mention now that I wrote this piece when I was thirteen years old. At ten days from seventeen, I read it and consider this quite the exercise in phonoaesthetics. I guess I never saw in reality exactly the same things on my drive way that morning (some might consider what I observed quite empirically to be entropy at work), but walking out onto that same driveway, I can see that picture in my mind as clear as anything.

Did you exchange a walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

2011-06-15T00:01:00.004+10:00

Do you ever think about the concept of the colour black? How the perception of the complete absence of light, similar to the concept of infinity, seems like such a thing that could only exist outside the bounds of time?

There is nothing quite like the way I feel when I immerse myself in a concept that will forever remain beyond the reaches of human grasp. While it is easy enough to fundamentally articulate and understand the concept, I would not believe for a moment that there is a person out there who can imagine the idea of blackness with absolute fidelity.

As strange as it sounds, I've come to revel in that feeling.

Afraid

2011-05-14T18:00:00.002+10:00

I don't know why it's taken me so long to come back here.

I think it's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I have learned to love my mother. I have subsequently learned to be heart-broken when the things I value are taken from me.

I find that there are harder things to come to terms with, though, like how with this new presence, will, suffering and tremendous effort in bettering my existence I find in my mother is juxtaposed against the void I associate with my father has rendered me completely and utterly afraid that I will not feel anything when he dies. His physical absence in my life inversely proportional to my emotional absence towards him.

But nobody deserves that.

Parasites

2010-11-02T00:51:00.003+10:00

I wonder what it would be like to live the life of a parasite. I wonder if organisms/people who contribute negatively to the lives of others are aware of the implications of their existence - whether or not they are and actively continue to be detrimental to others, or whether or not they aren't and mindlessly create havoc and simply strive to achieve its designed purpose.

whiny bitch

2010-09-12T22:48:00.002+10:00

The small picture is such a sad picture. Narrow-mindedness will forever be responsible for the universe of 'what-might-have-been'.

knowledge is power

2010-07-31T17:05:00.006+10:00

How does one truly distinguish between what is important and what is not?

Altruism, culture, money, identity, knowledge, power, and purpose - to me, this is what falls beneath the all-encompassing scope of "what is important". With these values, I believe one can create the utmost symbiotic relationship with society - returning more than perhaps what one takes out. I don't really want that much out of life anyway, other than for people other than my own family to celebrate my existence. I want to have a speech written to introduce me one day, be it just once. I just want to made a difference, through having inspired and empowered others to make a difference.

In a list such as this, however, how does one decide what is worth investing efforts into in order to achieve what one might seek? What is actually worth seeking?

With no doubt, the answer lies in education. It is with education which all else will follow. The eradication of poverty, greed, hunger et cetera depends on the impact of education, but it is the education of what is important, above all else that will teach every human being to live well.

Thus, I have been led to return to my back to my original question. What is important? How can we help others to live if we do not fundamentally know the answer to the question that we seek to teach?

resorting to memes

2010-07-30T22:15:00.008+10:00

I love the human consciousness.

Right now, I want to inspire others.

I feel like I can never be satisfied.

I hate it when others can cope with real issues.

I fear not being able to possess knowledge.

I'm lonely without mental stimulation.

Today will not change my life.

Tomorrow won't either.

I just need to know how to accomplish it all.

I want to meet someone else like me.

I'm hungry for success, privilege and power- to empower.

I love it when there is music playing.

I'm afraid of thinking incorrectly. I'm afraid of being wrong.

I'm listening to the bickering of selfish, indulgent people.

I'm wearing my most comfortable, socially unacceptable clothes.

I wish I was more human.

I want to get attention, reward etc.

I can't understand many people, or make many people understand me.

I'm nervous about failure.

My mum thinks I'm able to do it, but she's not here so she wouldn't know shit.

My dad thinks I'm existent, at the very least, I think/hope.

I'm happy when I'm not judging others.

I wish I looked like contentment.

Poo

2010-07-25T17:28:00.000+10:00

The value of life is everything and nothing.

To live the life of every single person's that has been, is and will be, is my ultimate wish.

Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot

2010-07-14T22:36:00.003+10:00

When you're down and they're counting,

When your secrets are all found out,

When your troubles take to mounting,

When the map you have leads you to doubt.

When there's no information,

And the compass turns to no where you know well-

When the doctors failed to heal you,

When no medicine chest can make you well,

When no counsel leads to comfort,

When there are no more lies they can tell,

No more useless information,

And the compass spins-

The compass spins between heaven and hell,

Let your soul be your pilot.

So Gorden Sumner, I thank you for your existence and the opportunity you provide for me to appreciate such lyrical poetry.

Blog, I notice how I constantly run so pathetically to you when there is nobody else for me. I will resume normal posting/lifestyle appropriate to societal norms soon.

An Open Letter

2010-05-08T00:53:00.002+10:00

There are many letters I want to send to many people. I want to send one to myself.

The ones I want to send to others might fall along the lines of:

"Hello, I'd very much love and be honoured to be a friend of yours." Or,
"Hey, please don't think that about me. Are you afraid of me? I'm not that obnoxious. Give me a chance to reinvent myself; a clean slate upon which I get to decide who I want to be. Do you think you could ever see at me in a different light?"

But the one I want to send to myself... Well, it just makes wonder how I got to this. Anyhow, this is an open letter to Vivien.

Dear Self,

I loathe you. You are such a big disappointment, and nobody notices except me. I don't understand. You wanted so much, had such high hopes - they all seemed for certain, yet you have achieved so little, and do you know why? I'm sure you know why. You've broken every promise you've ever made to me. It's just not fair. How can you have a mind that is so capable of completing such simple tasks, yet a body that is compelled to defy everything that I want for you.

I don't understand. You're still as unfit as ever, you remain unemployable, you've yet to secure a single leadership position, and I can't even begin to express the extent to which your work ethic disgusts me. You've neglected your music, and I hate you. You're about as dull as a fish; as likable as a cow.

You're about as likable as a cow. You're obnoxiously loud, outspoken, and opinionated. Nobody notices that you loathe yourself because I don't even know if you have friends of your own. You have Zac, but only god knows why he likes you, because I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I wish you would just do as I say.

Nowadays, It's almost as if you're incapable of letting anyone near to you; incapable of seeing past what you dislike in each person to have any close friends. Why do you have to keep everyone at a distance? What is wrong with you? You don't even know where you stand in life yet. 15 years, Vivien. You don't fit in anywhere, and I can't even figure out why. You've minimal hobbies, likes and dislikes - perhaps it is just easier to live life as a stereotype. I believe they come with templates of what one will enjoy as that sort of person, and how one should act and think.

What happened to you? Has the internet really taken you away? Are you that obsessed with the hope of feedback you might get from your little status updates? That little bit of human interaction in the guise of momentary popularity?

I feel so lonely, and I hate you. It's all your fault. You could be so happy, but instead you just choose to ignore whatever I ask of you. Is it so difficult to avoid procrastination? No, don't do it later - do it NOW. Similar to how I hate you NOW. Just stop fucking around. I'm sick of your shit.

NB: Don't worry. I'm not going to kill myself, but yes, these are real thoughts. Procrastinating ruined my life.

individuality and conformity

2010-04-11T14:26:00.007+10:00

Perhaps it is a phase that comes naturally in teenage culture, but it seems that almost every single person I know is, in someway, intensely advocating the attitude of non-conformity. Everybody is striving distinguish themselves from others. Is this really a way of seeking out one's identity, by being different? And what if you're not different - what then? By the unspoken insults of modern society, yes, you will be deemed a conformist if your true identity just happens to be like that of a large mass of other people, so sure, go ahead and fake your identity in your unending marathon away from conformity.

First of all, let's get our definitions straight. A definition of conformity by Wikipedia is that it is a process by which one's ideas and thoughts are influenced by others. This means that, yes, conformity is, and can only be, a voluntary decision. The word 'conformity', prior to our ignorant slaughter of the word, never really had a such a negative connotation. It was a word that once referred primarily to attitudes and beliefs, and other matters of pertaining to a much more moral nature. Even though the modern sense of the word is more relevant to more material things, nowadays, people have really lost sight of expressing themselves through their image and therefore I don't think it can truly refer to that either.

Conformity in evolutionary terms is really being lost on us self-righteous humans. It is shown everywhere in societies other than our own that conforming to common goals and ideas are much more efficient and productive than methods otherwise. Ants in a colony, for example, collectively become more intelligent in larger numbers. Conformity wins wars. According to just about everything else in the world apart from adolescent teens, conformity is, by and large, a positive practice.

So, I want to pose a question to all those faux-artistic girls out there: please, please tell me, what is so incredibly terrible about conformity, and, lets be honest, what is so great about individuality? Lets just ignore the facts here that much of today's conformity arises from people's feeble attempts at being an individual -anyhow-. It's gotten to an extent where we are unknowingly pressuring ourselves to be different and special, just like everybody else.

I'm going to end my rant, on somewhat of a tangent, with music. Videohits was playing away on my television set this morning, and I awoke slightly when I heard an awful song in which the female singer sounded almost as terrible as Beth Ditto. Her voice was shrill and couldn't hold a note properly to save her life. The song had no musical merit, nor did the video clip hold any artistic or aesthetic value, and I was just left puzzled by the needless use of little children in hippie dresses and those silly beads over their heads. I didn't know who they were prior, but the artists turned out to be Angus and Julia Stone. Now, I've only heard one of their songs, but I know that they are very popular amongst the faux-indie community (a community that, rather hypocritically, mind-bogglingly large). As an honest musician, I have to say it was a less than stellar act.

In lieu of this unfortunate finding, I present you with a list of songs that I like:

*Build Me Up, Butter Cup - The Foundations

*Silence Is Golden - The Tremoloes

*Streets of London - Ralph McTell

*The Carnival Is Over & Hey There, Georgy Girl - The Seekers

*Spicks and Specks & Islands in the Stream - The Bee Gees

*The Sound of Silence - Simon and Garfunkel

*Devoted to You - The Everly Brothers

*Vienna - Billy Joel

*All This Time - Sting [this song details society pretty well, I think]

*You'll Be In My Heart - Phil Collins

P.S.: "Indie" is an abbreviation for the term "independent label" - it has nothing to do with how not mainstream the band you like is. For example, Ricki-Lee Coulter is an indie artist. Enough said.

charity

2010-04-09T11:44:00.005+10:00

There have been so many times in my life where I have wished to have enough money to donate to innumerable causes and charities, but the problem is, being an unemployed teen, I just don't have any money. It always seems to me that, people who have enough money never want to part with it, and those who don't, wish that they had more to give away. Like youth is wasted in the young, money is wasted on the rich.

Thus follows the conundrum concerning the poor man who goes without food for a night in order to donate a large portion of his wealth (or lack of), and the rich man who, without thought, donates only a small portion of his gratuitous fortune. Despite knowing that the poor man only donates maybe 10 dollars, and the rich man, potentially hundreds, who has "donated" more?

In reality, the dying children in Africa will only reap the benefits of the money that has actually been donated. In physical charity, intentions mean nothing - there's no point in shying away from that fact. Sure, the poor man sacrificed much more (and probably less agonizingly) than the rich man, but the rich man has, hopefully, improved their lives far more than the poor man has.

So, in a way, money can distinguish the morality of us humans. You have those who don't have enough to help others, those who don't have enough to help others but want to, those who do have enough but choose not to help others, those who do have enough and help others for their image, and those who work hard for enough to give others. There aren't many people like the latter, but that's who I want to be. I want my career to satisfy not only me, but everybody who can possibly benefit.

Oh dear. Charity is so difficult, anyhow. Who are we to decide what is worth donating in? At least we're helping somewhat, right?

crying analysis

2010-02-16T18:59:00.005+10:00

It's taken me quite a while to figure this one out, but after a long, long session of crying today (for really quite trivial reasons, like phone bills, maths results and being yelled at by my mother), I figured out why I cry.

I'm not sure about most other people, but I don't cry when I'm sad, nor do I cry "with joy". I don't cry often, but when I do, I cry with guilt. It's actually rather annoying when people think that I cry because I think I've been done wrong. Mmm, I like to think I'm deeper than that.

For example, ever since school started again, I've been excessively tired (hence the lack of posting), and that has made me a little bit irritable, especially towards the little motherly things that mothers do that make you feel somewhat smothered when you most want to feel independent. I can acknowledge, then, that my attitude has been rather horrible/dismissive towards my mother, which I think is wrong by all means. She yelled at me for a while about that issue, and besides having a pet hate of being told what I already know, I felt an overwhelming guilt for treating her so poorly.

So I cried, and when I cry, I cry for a long time and it's because of guilt. Guilt isn't something that just goes away after crying a little bit, so I'll cry more, continuing my feelings of guilt. Obviously, the guilt never really goes away but eventually I feel better for being such a shitty person.

She yelled at me a little bit more because she assumed that I was being unappreciative, and that "no matter how many times she would tell me, I couldn't understand where she was coming from." Obviously, I did, and I'd understood since long before I began doing it, but despite that I continued being annoyed at her for misunderstanding me. Vicious cycle.

As for the phone bill, I just felt really bad for having somebody else pay it for me while I remain unemployed. As for the maths results, I felt guilty for having truly studied, freaking out when I knew how to do everything required of me, and did poorly. I did myself wrong there, but that doesn't stop me feeling guilty for not having done better.

You're probably thinking, what a cold-hearted sop. Sorry that I don't cry for the same reasons as you must.

much too easy.

2010-01-12T15:29:00.005+10:00

Gone, are the days when one had to watch the life extinguish from the eyes of the person you kill. Gone, are the days when one had just as much chance as the other in physical combat. Gone are the days when one had to take life in the flesh - wield a blade with your own hands.

It has become much, much too easy to just.. detonate an explosion, pull a trigger, or you know, ask someone else to do it. Looking through the eyepieces of guns - the people targeted simply turn into images that won't really be there in a few seconds.

The moral implications are disappearing. People are understanding less and less of the magnitude of their actions. People don't understand that, in the death of one person, is the death of all their history too. It's the death of who they are, and, good or bad, how they got to be like that.

Deaths are announced in the news in the same fashion as everything else. To quote my friend Harry again, because he's just a quotable kind of guy, "One death in the news is a tragedy, but a million is a statistic." Death is becoming so.. impersonal. Of course, assassins like to keep it that way so that it's easier for them to do what "needs to be done" (does it really need to be done?) but we all do that because we're afraid to know them, understand or even be attached. Just like you shouldn't name a cow you meet at a slaughterhouse.

And while we may pretend and assume that we understand and have befriended Daisy the cow, there is a much greater chance that we might relate to someone we might take the life of; a greater chance that they might be like just like us, and that scares us deeply because, in the end, I think that we all know that we're not really supposed to kill what we don't need to, let alone each other.

But, you know, people do it for no good reason anyway, because it's just much too easy.

When killing becomes readily (albeit reluctantly) accepted in society, we are, in so many ways, expendable. Human inflation.

There are 6 billion of us on the planet now - each with our own stories and all as equally valuable another - what would it matter if one of us were not to be here tomorrow?

alone

2010-01-04T16:37:00.003+10:00

One of my favourite things to do is to find a small, out of the way coffee shop with nice people, plays nice music, serves nice food, whilst reading a nice book, all by myself. I like to sit near the door, or facing the street so I can watch the faces of the people who judge me as they walk in or pass me by. I like to see them quickly look away as I catch their eyes, knowing the presumptuous conclusions they make in their minds as to why I may be alone. It fascinates me that it would even cross their minds that I did not choose to be my own company - I am more often lonely by my own decision than not.

It may sound obnoxious to say something like that, and I don't know how many people out there think similarly. I'm not suggesting that I am popular beyond comprehension or anything of the sort - simply that there have been more than one occasions where I have politely declined, for example, lunch with coworkers in to quickly grab a quiche and read instead.. To me, it just seems that the older I become, the more social expectations are pushed onto my being - to actively contribute to family gatherings, parties, outings with friends or, to have lunch with coworkers, to use the example above.

All I am getting at, is that, now more than ever, I know that the few minutes I am able to spend alone each day are dwindling, I do the best I can to treasure these minutes, and I chuckle at those who can't understand what they're missing out on..

english grammar

2009-12-30T01:54:00.008+10:00

- They went to Oregon with Betty – a maid and a cook.
  (One person)
- They went to Oregon with Betty, who is a maid and a cook.
  (One person)
- They went to Oregon with Betty, both a maid and a cook.
  (One person)
- They went to Oregon with Betty (a maid) and a cook.
  (Two people)
- They went to Oregon with Betty, a maid, and with a cook.
  (Two people)
- They went to Oregon with Betty – a maid – and a cook.
  (Two people)
- They went to Oregon with the maid Betty and a cook.
  (Two people)
- They went to Oregon with a cook and Betty, a maid.
  (Two people)
- They went to Oregon with a cook and a maid, Betty.
  (Two people)
- They went to Oregon with Betty and a maid and a cook.
  (Three people)
- They went to Oregon with Betty, one maid and a cook.
  (Three people)
- They went to Oregon with a maid, a cook, and Betty.
  (Three people)

possession

2009-12-26T21:58:00.005+10:00

My mind was wandering at dinner again tonight.

I have a possession that I deem to be yours whenever you want it and mine whenever you do not. This possession that I occasionally possess does not itself possess any particularly striking qualities that would appeal to anyone in particular, both in appearance and functionality, HOWEVER, what makes this possession very much desirable is that what decides its ownership is conscious desire.

To whom does it belong to then? You.

Unless of course, it's in my possession. In which case it's still yours.

ZACHARY

2009-12-23T12:05:00.002+10:00

Zachary is this really, really cool kid that I know. He is simply the most humble, honest, funny understanding, most genuine guy I know and he is just out there being generally the best human being on this entire planet. By some goddamned miracle that I quite wholly do not deserve, I am allowed to call him my best friend and much, much more*, yet here I am, being a seemingly ill-educated, ungrateful child of a low EQ when in fact I should be the luckiest girl in the world. Which I am.

So Zachary,

Lately I've been a real big jerk, and I just want to let you know, that I know this.

I'm sorry if I ever doubted myself, or more importantly of course, you. I know all the trouble I'm causing but I need you to know that, in a weird, cosmically-important-to-the-universe way, I need to.

I also know that, quite frankly, I have never really taken the time to appreciate or understand you, as you do so often for me, and I think that in your absence, this is a good opportunity for me to do so (however unpleasant the experience is). I have just been incredibly selfish thus far, and it is imperative that I seek solutions to said selfishness, for my wellbeing and yours. But probably, mostly mine - my conscience is a bitch.

Anyway, I hope that you continue to be awesome and continue not be deterred by my excessive use of the awesome word 'awesome', because, despite the gratuitous amount of awesome within yourself (and this blog post), the over-use of this word does not diminish the amount nor quality of the awesome of which I speak, so there.

I'm also sorry if you find this apology insincere - I can say from the bottom of my heart that it is, were it not so, I assure you that it would be boring.

*the word 'boyfriend' does not do it justice; it is a word used without thought and meaning much too often. I dedest it. No offence, Zac. Let's make a new one. It will be much more awesomer. It will rival the word "awesome" in sheer (obviously quantitative) awesomness.

the field.

2009-12-14T02:41:00.004+10:00

I am sitting on a picnic blanket, with another blanket tossed carelessly over me. The blankets are large enough for two. There's a pillow beside me. It looks recently used. I know someone sleeps here with me, I'm just not sure who it's supposed to be.

I seem to be in a field out there somewhere.

It's the most breath-taking field in the world. As I look around, I discover that it seems to continue for an eternity, Although, in a lingering, seemingly insignificant portion of my head, I know it is but one in six billion fields. I still can't help but be convinced of its infinite vastness.

There is music playing in this field. It's the most wonderful music. I'm not sure why, but I can't quite decide the origin of this music.. But on second thoughts, I don't hear anything; I just experience the emotions I feel when listen to the haunting yet comforting sounds of Simon and Garfunkel, Sting, or the Seekers. It feels unfamiliar to have these feeling evoked without association. It's probably the field.

As I turn around, I see behind me a world confined to the past. A drive-in movie cinema, packed with cars, a carnival, with its bumper cars, spinning teacups, ferris wheels. The brilliant lights and the endless noises of the most carefree children in the world are comforting. I smell bagels, potato chips, corn dogs, hot dogs and the addicting tang of tomato sauce. My mouth is watering.

Balloons are let into the sky and the music (Is it music?) grows louder within me. The longer I stare into this mirage with addiction, the more I am convinced I belong there. A youthful girl in polka-dot dress is there with her partner. As she turns her head, her bright red lipstick catches my gaze, and she smiles knowingly at me. I watch as they begin to dance.

I vision wanders about this scene, capturing the image in my mind. I slowly begin to realise that there appears to be a vintage film over my eyes, between everything I see. This has been the only way I have ever seen the field - it is normalcy, but for an oddly unidentifiable reason it has only just occurred to me as something I might consider out of the ordinary.

I spin around, eager to see what pleasant surprises lay before me, only to find that what I see on this side of where I stand greatly differs from what was seen behind. The field I see here.. well it's hard to describe. There is a forest full of trees of many different species and personalities. They look quite young though. They are thin and fragile, and the roots cannot be deep. Some roots are stronger than others. I can tell. I don't quite understand how, but they seem to be co-existing in this area together just fine. I know they have one common element though... that's the field. Without a doubt, that is the only reason they are here. Are they killing the field? Are they killing each other? Perhaps they are not aware of each other.

The grass is a brilliant shade of green on the surface, but down below, the soil is dry becoming less and less nourished as it is further exposed to the outside world. In the state of today, I guess that's to be expected. I should've known.

a funny game

2009-12-11T03:01:00.005+10:00

A certain series of events transpired recently, has led me to realise that I have life figured out just about as much as a new-born baby who is yet to even understand anything about anything in particular.

Why do we play this cruel, sadistic game we like to call life? How does one play it? Can some be better at it than others? And what's the reward? You don't reach the ending and get a congratulatory pat on the back for finishing. You die.. So, is death the reward? Well, it can be, but death can also be cheating. Then perhaps it is satisfaction and happiness, which is always at the cost of others playing the same game. I just.. don't even know anymore.

I used to think I was mildly okay at playing this game, but someone I barely know has just completely shattered it and given me a new perspective. To be completely honest with myself, I don't really know who I am; I'm interested in absolutely everything, and nothing. I am not particularly good at school, not particularly good at music, not particularly good with my social skills, and most definitely am not good at sports. I have no hobbies, I have no talents, and quite simply, I possess no attributes that make me any different, better or worse, than anyone else, and, needless to say, this troubles me deeply. How can I have spent 15 years so unproductively? How can this search for who I am have been so bloody fruitless?

Second on the agenda, I just wanted to apologise... for everything, in a way. I've been a really horrible person. I mean, I don't go around deliberately wreaking havoc, causing pain to anyone else, but I know that I certainly haven't gone around making other's lives any better. I don't want to be 'the lesser of two evils' - I just want to be.. not-so-horrible, so;

I'm sorry if I've had the chance to help you, but I didn't. I'm sorry if I've ever made any incorrect or premature judgement of you. I'm sorry if I have let my opinion of you change the way that I act towards/about you. I'm sorry if I have ever stereotypically labelled you, and I'm sorry if I have ever thought that I was any better than you - I'm really not. I'm sorry if I have ever broken a promise to you. I'm sorry if my actions have betrayed my words, and I'm sorry if my words have betrayed my thoughts. I'm sorry if I have been dishonest. I'm sorry if I have been selfish, and I'm sorry if I haven't listened. I'm sorry if I have taken more than I've given. I'm sorry if I didn't give you the what you deserved.

All in all, I'm just sorry for being such a stuck-up douche-fag. Yeah. Illiteracy is cool sometimes, I guess.. :P

tumblr and doubt

2009-12-05T22:51:00.001+10:00

Tumblr.

I have been scouring the internet for more and it has once again delivered, albeit being in the form of artistically presenting my own intellectual input. I just keep putting my brain into different parts of the world wide web, don't I?

The thing about the internet that worries me the most (especially since the underlying motive behind the Google Chrome OS [despite its obvious greatness]) is that, there is an astoundingly large chance that, perhaps there will come to be a day where nothing will exist in a physical state. We'll lose the ability for verbal communication, we'll lose a structured language..

And, if one day the internet were to experience permanent destruction, we'd lose everything, and we'd realise, everything that we previously knew only exists in our minds. The capacity to share all this information via this non-physical medium is.. somewhat dangerous. Of course that begs the question of whether or not this information is worth preserving - it's definitely debatable. This little device that I stare at all day long is a portal to almost everything known to the human race. What else are we supposed to do? Everything is just much too easily acessible, and it just scares me, almost. It scares me that, in the future, this might be all I know. I don't want social networking and the latest google application to be everything I live for. I don't want to get a job with the intention of paying for a roof over my head, food in my stomach and fucking internet connection.

Of course, you may look at it from the opposite perspective; if the human race were to become extinct tomorrow, our "life", as such, would be preserved in the cloud that is the internet. But, does the internet really exist without the power of the human mind? Does something really exist if there is no one to appreciate it? Does something really exist if it has no meaning?

Of course it does.

No offence, but I don't things things pop in and out of existance as soon as they are prevented from observation. They may not exist in your consciousness, but they're certainly there, and they exist for everyone else.. Also, If one is only able to prove their own existance, then everyone is able to prove their existence and therefore everyone exists. And with the rubbish about no one ever seeing exactly the same world as anyone else - yeah, they're all just different perspectives of the same fucking thing.

WHY CAN'T WE STOP SPENDING VALUABLE TIME DOUBTING THE EXISTENCE OF EVERYTHING, BELIEVE THAT MOST THINGS ARE NOT FRAGMENTS OF OUR IMAGINATIONS AND MAKE THE BEST OF WHAT IS WIDELY ACCEPTED TO BE EXIST?

This upsets me so. I'm going to fail TOK.

knowing

2009-12-01T20:46:00.005+10:00

I love it when it's so dark around you that you can't differentiate between having your eyes open or your eyes closed. There have even been times when the light was only just bright enough for me to call 'dim', making me see my world in shades grey. I think that's pretty special.

It's kind of crazy how men are only equal in death. Even then, some are buried in nicer places than others. Or are actually buried at all, for that matter. But, you know, some make freaking billions in dying - oh hello, Michael Jackson's father! I didn't see you there. Eh. All the same really, isn't it?

Otherwise, I haven't really thought/learnt/observed that much about the world, anyone else or even myself for that matter. I'm much to tired to do so.

I just feel so "rough around the edges" lately. Being polished can be saved for when it matters.

Being honest with myself, I really have no other outlook on life at this very moment (and being -completely- honest, that is, quite blatantly, PATHETIC), so here is a list of things that I want to know a heck of a lot about:

- CHEMISTRY: I like it.

- COMPUTER SCIENCE: iterated functions!

- CRIMINOLOGY-related stuff: just to tie some of these things together.
- ENGINEERING: so that I can make things awesome.

- HISTORY: mostly modern history, but then some ancient, because that's really interesting

- LAW: but leaning towards the debating side of things - chance to employ my psychology skills here?

- LINGUISTICS: and hence, Latin + Greeky things

- MATHEMATICS: cryptology, codes, patterns and stuff (hurrah factorials!)

- MUSIC: I love it.

- PSYCHOLOGY: to know creepy stuff about people and how they think.

- PHYSICS: at the quantum level, but then at like the really big level too.

- SOCIOLOGY: social networks and the mathematics behind them, why some people choose to be stupid.. things like that.

Hopefully I will stumble across this list when I'm on my deathbed and regret all the things that I did not end up knowing. Then, I will truly know that I am human, and that I sucked at life.. as humans do.

circles and experiments

2009-11-23T23:44:00.007+10:00

So here I am again today, one year after that fateful viewing of the terrible movie, "The Women" [see November 2008 post archives], with my dear friend Angela.

I sit here, fifteen years of age today when yesterday I was but fourteen. By some craazy act of coincidence, that is what I said about turning fourteen. And thirteen. And twelve. And all other preceding years, of which there really aren't that many. As my other dear friend, Harry, said; "The very idea of being not being mature enough to do stupid things (ie. alcohol, sex, driving, the paying of full prices...) on one day and mature enough the next is simply moronic."

After 365 days, I have come around again in a full circle. Life seems to be like that, doesn't it? Just one big circle. I cannot understand how most people can continue to be excited by constantly recurring events. Each year, I feel no different towards Christmas. Each year, I feel no different towards a new year. Each year, I feel no different towards my birthday. Each year, I continue to not understand how people can be excited by constantly recurring events.

Excuses to do things out of the ordinary bore and anger me. Do things simply because you want to, and don't do them when you don't want. Fuck Christmas.

I think I have a fair point when I compare life to old, repetitive, flash games based on a simple concept like Minesweeper, Tetris or Space Invaders. The ideas and rules governing the game will always be the same, yet the immeasurable number of situations that are possible in these games (not to mention the infinitely large combination of player reactions) provides for a different captivating game scenario each time. Kind of like independent and dependent variables in a scientific experiment. You change an IV, which in turn affects the DV, but the procedure essentially remains the same. It's just the outcome that differs.

Does this make life one big, circular science experiment..?

[Edit; Now that I think about it, I propose that it would be quite exhilarating to live life justifiably systematically; if you only changed one variable each time a similar situation arose, and physically found and listed the consequences of each individual action. Organisation skills, ahoy!]

an oak tree

2009-11-21T17:28:00.003+10:00

Michael Craig-Martin:

Q. To begin with, could you describe this work?

A. Yes, of course. What I've done is change a glass of water into a full-grown oak tree without altering the accidents of the glass of water.

Q. The accidents?

A. Yes. The colour, feel, weight, size ...

Q. Do you mean that the glass of water is a symbol of an oak tree?

A. No. It's not a symbol. I've changed the physical substance of the glass of water into that of an oak tree.

Q. It looks like a glass of water.

A. Of course it does. I didn't change its appearance. But it's not a glass of water, it's an oak tree.

Q. Can you prove what you've claimed to have done?

A. Well, yes and no. I claim to have maintained the physical form of the glass of water and, as you can see, I have. However, as one normally looks for evidence of physical change in terms of altered form, no such proof exists.

Q. Haven't you simply called this glass of water an oak tree?

A. Absolutely not. It is not a glass of water anymore. I have changed its actual substance. It would no longer be accurate to call it a glass of water. One could call it anything one wished but that would not alter the fact that it is an oak tree.

Q. Isn't this just a case of the emperor's new clothes?

A. No. With the emperor's new clothes people claimed to see something that wasn't there because they felt they should. I would be very surprised if anyone told me they saw an oak tree.

Q. Was it difficult to effect the change?

A. No effort at all. But it took me years of work before I realised I could do it.

Q. When precisely did the glass of water become an oak tree?

A. When I put the water in the glass.

Q. Does this happen every time you fill a glass with water?

A. No, of course not. Only when I intend to change it into an oak tree.

Q. Then intention causes the change?

A. I would say it precipitates the change.

Q. You don't know how you do it?

A. It contradicts what I feel I know about cause and effect.

Q. It seems to me that you are claiming to have worked a miracle. Isn't that the case?

A. I'm flattered that you think so.

Q. But aren't you the only person who can do something like this?

A. How could I know?

Q. Could you teach others to do it?

A. No, it's not something one can teach.

Q. Do you consider that changing the glass of water into an oak tree constitutes an art work?

A. Yes.

Q. What precisely is the art work? The glass of water?

A. There is no glass of water anymore.

Q. The process of change?

A. There is no process involved in the change.

Q. The oak tree?

A. Yes. The oak tree.

Q. But the oak tree only exists in the mind.

A. No. The actual oak tree is physically present but in the form of the glass of water. As the glass of water was a particular glass of water, the oak tree is also a particular oak tree. To conceive the category 'oak tree' or to picture a particular oak tree is not to understand and experience what appears to be a glass of water as an oak tree. Just as it is imperceivable it also inconceivable.

Q. Did the particular oak tree exist somewhere else before it took the form of a glass of water?

A. No. This particular oak tree did not exist previously. I should also point out that it does not and will not ever have any other form than that of a glass of water.

Q. How long will it continue to be an oak tree?

A. Until I change it.

Small thoughts

2009-11-03T18:10:00.004+10:00

History is a wonderfully weird thing. History concerns time, and that in itself is stupid enough. All around us are testaments to ways of life, ancient stories, amazing feats; it's everywhere. Spending 3 weeks in one of the most well-recorded, history-filled places on this earth, I had the opportunity to observe and think about all the things that had happened right where I stood.

Funnily enough, it didn't strike a chord with me. Problem was, it wasn't happening as a stood there. I wasn't a part of it. It did, however, make me wonder about the current state of today's history-making. Nothing much ever happens anymore, save the loss of lives most often due to some idiot's poor decision making that you hear about on the news from time to time (by which I mean daily), but you don't have to be a genius to figure out that it doesn't contribute much to our society. Are we in a dark age in which we are incapable of reaching milestones in our lives as a species; an age in which we cease to make history? Are we naive enough to convince ourselves that there is no more history to be made, that there are no more barriers to break?

All I know is that, after progressing at such speeds, if there is no going forwards, there certainly is a long way to fall. The human race is very capable of destruction, and I just hope that we don't turn to that in lieu of "history making".

I think knowing that, essentially, none of this will matter in retrospect, is a real consolation for me. In a way, it makes me care [stress] less, but in a way it makes me want to live for myself and not for anyone else. I want to do what makes me happy, and simply hope that other people get something out of what I do for myself. When I get to the end of this life, I want to remember all the great things, and I want to say, "Yeah, that was damn cool." I want to find a million wrinkles on my face and think, "Yeah, that was damn funny." I want my life to be worth genuinely believing it when I say, "Yeah, let's go again."

crying

2009-10-29T18:40:00.006+10:00

Hey baby, don't worry - I'm not crying over you.

I'm crying because I'm so just so damn incompetent. I'm crying because I might lose my home. I'm crying because I don't love my dad. I'm crying because nobody will listen. I'm crying because life is a grotesque beast beneath a mask of lies. I'm crying because, for some reason oblivious to my understanding, nobody is capable of ever being satisfied. I'm crying because one day, we'll realise that we cared about so much for nothing. I'll have cared about other people. But they won't remember.

I'm crying because, of all people, I can't make you happy.

I'm crying because the music is so beautiful.

I'm crying because I lost my pen. But that's okay.

not sure

2009-10-24T09:21:00.002+10:00

I'm not quite sure how I feel right now. In a way, I've had an infinite amount on my mind yet I've thought about nothing at all. Sometimes, I feel like nothing is ever really fair. But then other times, I know that it is incredibly immature to think like that, and I, logically, have nothing to be upset about. But I am.

The sight of some people is enough to send me into a silent fury. I just hate that their selfish blindness disallows them to see the chaos that they are solely responsible for. I wish they could see what their actions are doing to everyone else. I just wish they would just shut their mouths and open their eyes - to just see what they have and stop asking for more. I wish they would feel guilty; emotional punishment. And If that isn't enough incentive to change, then I say they are as good as dead to me.

I really admire how memories are the only things in the universe that aren't governed by time.

little things

2009-10-17T10:04:00.003+10:00

I think the significance of the occasional ice cream goes much too unnoticed amidst the self-induced "chaos" of human life.

For me, ice cream completely symbolizes the capability of people for sheer simplicity, which in turn brings us the little emotions that make everything else worthwhile. It captures entirely, the innocence and joy of childhood, seemingly a gateway to all things good. Ice cream helps me to understand that much of life - the sour, the monotonous parts - are contrasts that allows me to appreciate and savour the rare, golden moments.

16th of October, after school at Taringa train station, Brisbane, AUSTRALIA - (:

return

2009-10-11T03:07:00.007+10:00

I'm back.

It ended just as soon as it had begun. I returned to routine as as plainly as I anticipated leaving it. I enjoyed the trip in almost exact proportion to which I had dreaded it.

That's it. I won't see almost any of the people I'd just spent 3 weeks living and experiencing a foreign continent with ever again. I just turned my back and walked away. It seemed appropriate.

Don't worry; I have much more thoughtful things to say. I'll just say them later when I don't feel as though I'm free-falling every few of seconds.

laughter

2009-09-21T10:02:00.005+10:00

Yesterday, I noticed just how much that I laugh, but more importantly, just how much I don't understand laughter.

What appeases my particular sense of humour? What makes something funny? What provokes laughter?

I guess the best way I can express what I'm trying to say is, for example, some people find it absolutely hilarious when other people hurt themselves. Their train of thought might resemble something along the lines of: he just fell, he hurt himself while I didn't, dignity was lost, and that is funny.

But what I don't understand are the cognitive processes between, "dignity was lost" and, "that is funny". I mean, personally, I don't find it funny at all, but how (as opposed to 'why') is the loss of dignity, or any other thing that may fancy your humour, funny?

Brb, Europe.

20th of September

2009-09-20T23:51:00.004+10:00

Dear Blog,

Today, I totally shared an ice-cream with a winner of the Queensland Piano Competition. I think my life may be complete. The ice-cream was great. I paid. HE OWES ME - 35 cucumbers (only), according to the man himself. That's okay though. I'll sell the cucumbers on the black market (because they're just so normally inaccessible) for much more than they're worth and save up enough money to purchase a ticket to Freddy Kempf's Tchaikovsky concert. Apparently, Kempf has "critics searching for new superlatives". I think they should just expand their vocabulary.

I had pizza with Zac after it all. It was night, the lights, surreal. Best half-hour of my life, and I've had many half-hours.

content

2009-09-19T14:44:00.007+10:00

Typical blogs; they say so little with so many words. People need to write less with more purpose.

I swear I can hear the earth moving in certain rooms of my house. I don't want to go to Europe. I don't think I've ever faced with the prospect of leaving so much behind, if only for 3 weeks.

I don't think that I've ever had so much to leave.

observational

2009-09-15T19:23:00.011+10:00

I've always been an observer. I could tell you an array of random things about the tendencies of other people, but I've never quite been an observer of myself. So, when I realised I was going to be in another continent for the majority of the next month (beginning this coming Monday), I decided to look inwards and find out what I think I would miss the most. It defined my version of normalcy; the variables, and what I hope are/will be the constants;

1. My wallet, keys, phone and ipod. The essentials. They pretty much identify me. These are things that everybody has, but these particular ones belong uniquely to me.

2. The generally shoddy transport system here in Queensland, and my go-card. I'll miss that. It really makes home, home.

3. Going through the west side of Brisbane every day. It's beautiful, old, raw. Not to mention the small, local convenience stores and coin-operated laundromats. They totally make life worth living.

4. People - eating my aunt's cooking, falling asleep to my uncle on the PS3, my cousin's nursing textbooks lying around the house, us adolescents laying strewn across the couch and floor, being unsociable with our laptops. The kids from school. That Zac-child.

5. Home, naturally. In particular, the bathroom heater, my living room carpet and the proximity of my bed to the floor.

6. Zac's home. Our past is in there.

7. The music room. My home at school. A humble sanctuary for the scarce population of musicians at SMT. It's slowly being invaded by the outside world. Oh well.

8. Stress, being pressured, the constant feed of information. It feels natural and familiar now; it's what I'm used to and know.

9. The Internet, my laptop, local phone calls, texts, and other such electronic functions. Why have I become so dependent on communication?

10. The sun, and the sky that harbours the stars that I see, because it won't be the same one in Europe.

must be raining in heaven.

2009-09-12T22:56:00.005+10:00

I love books. Entertainment of the written word. Books take you places, not dissimilar to walking, if you'll remember. They occupy you with the troubles of someone else's life and allow you to escape your own, if only for a little while.

Books.. they don't leave you for other people. The story is yours until you wish it otherwise. Unfinished books can even be left to the hands of you imagination.

Although books appear to be, often, rather straightforward, and a salvation when everything else in life is not, if you look hard enough between the lines you may stumble upon the softest yet loudest, the most hidden yet clearest, voice of the author.

ruslan

2009-09-10T22:00:00.004+10:00

Oh look at this; the end of examinations. An opportunity to sleep? No. This is one of those rare nights were I feel absolutely horrid. Something is hurting but I don't know what. It's a nice kind of hurt though. Feels like someone took an ice-cream scoop to my heart and had some of what belongs to me. The scoop was smooth, the wound is neat. I quite like that.

"How are you feeling?"

How am I feeling? I had a wonderful day. I don't think I can sleep feeling like this. I think I'm going to throw up.

keep breathing.

2009-09-08T19:52:00.006+10:00

I'm reaching a phase in my schooling life where I have to consciously remind myself to relax my eyebrows at regular intervals, in fear that if I continue worrying so much, maybe one day they'll reach each other. I count sheep in my head to drive away insomnia, only to have the numbers send friendly reminders of my pending doom, in the form of exams and assignments, that worry me even further. I watch sleep slip from my grasp as the sun rises for a hobby. I lose myself in pointless, dead-ended thoughts, destined for oblivion, for entertainment.

On a note that I'm not entirely sure is related or not; I have never been so lacking in regards to music, since the magical time of pixies during which I was born.

I miss things. Stupid 'things'.

I don't miss stupid things - the things I miss are simply stupid for allowing themselves to be missed.

I don't even know why I care so much.

The storm is coming, but I don't mind.

People are dying - I close my blinds.

I want to change the world - instead I sleep.

I want to believe in more than you and me.

The struggle.

2009-08-31T19:39:00.004+10:00

I wake up. It's five am in the morning. All I can think about is getting nearer to school; I feel an actual need to be geographically closer to the people I admire and love.

However, having bedded at beyond midnight, my ever-enduring, life-destroying sleeping patterns disagree upon my happiness, insisting to wage an hour long battle to ensure that I remain motionless in my abode.

It's a pointless war though. I always win. I don't know why my body even bothers.

Sure enough, each morning, I rise, defiant against my body's wishes. I know that it only means well. I know that it knows best. I know it only wants what it needs, and I know that this will get the better of me one day.

For now, I have better things to do.

comprehending

2009-08-24T18:36:00.005+10:00

Are we capable of comprehending what our eyes cannot see?

Other people's lives? What about the universe? Just the galaxy? How about earth, your country, or even your own city - perhaps another room in your house.

I don't think that the human mind is able to understand even the scope of comprehending beyond their immediate life.

To you, each vehicle you pass on the road home is "just another car".

It's so much more than that. Every person has their own story- their own reasons that got them on the road where they are at that particular point in time. They take the same route to a multitude of different destinations. Just like life and the people who are in it.

So, are we capable of comprehending what our eyes cannot see?

this year

2009-08-22T15:29:00.003+10:00

I know it isn't the end of the year, but surprisingly, I am actually still capable of reflecting.

This year, I've learnt to realise that:

- crying and hugging is only human. physical expression is not weakness.

- knowledge and music is human.

- love and happiness is very human.

I've never been able to readily accept how humans were any better, or even different at the very most, to everything else on earth. I still don't know, but I think the things above say it all.

association

2009-08-17T18:10:00.005+10:00

Recently, I heard a song that managed to induce the most epic - 'epic', in the true sense of the word - feelings in me. I remember thinking at the time, I want to make my death make a difference. I want my life to matter. I don't know how it did so, but somehow, it invoked a strong sense of patriotism just waiting to burst from me.

For me, songs seemingly collect and store my memories and emotions. I don't particularly focus on the lyrics, or the melody, but more so on how the song makes me feel. I listen to different kinds of music as I go in and out of phases, but when I put my music library on shuffle, I can always remember my exact thoughts at that period in my life, and exactly how I felt about things.

I guess my this makes my iPod almost a massive memory/emotion data bank, but in the form of art.

I also once used my white board to draw a small picture of my last thought every night before sleeping for a month. I look back now, 6 months on, and I can recall the events and every associated thought and emotion of each day.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just a nostalgic kind of person who also has the capacity to love the present day.

people.

2009-08-15T11:15:00.008+10:00

It's been a while.

Right now, of about only 3 things I'm sure;

1. Peanut butter is the best thing in the universe.

2. People are pretty damn cool, except for the ones who aren't. Fortunately there aren't very many of them. Being happy just makes me feel overcome with a desire to love everybody and everything. I can honestly say that if I were to list the names of people I feel privileged to be around, it'd be every single person I know the name of - EXCEPT ONE.

It's just her air of superiority, despite being less of a person than everybody else. Trying her best to be slutty - dying her hair, kilograms of make-up on her face for nerd-school, flirting with as many teenage, hormone ravaged boys (err, -not- socially awkward boys either) as she possibly can, and shamelessly flaunting her body despite the blindingly obvious flaw in the fact that she's fat and fugly :@

Maybe not so much. But hey, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being hideous. It's just the strutting, the pouting; it drives me insane. Most larger people are absolutely beautiful, might I add, it's almost not fair. They are also some of the coolest, nicest people I know, but damnnnnnn, there doesn't seem to be a single, caring, humane cell in her body. She is so goddamn fake and pretentious. It literally astounds me. She wore fucking stilettos to school one day, because she "just felt like it" - actual quote. FFS.

Did I mention I go to a school with the words, "SCIENCE, MATHS AND TECHNOLOGY" in its goddamn name? I'm not too sure the boys mind at all.

3. There are somethings that I know I won't be able to comprehend and understand for a while, so I should stop wasting time pondering them, let alone try to put it into words for a god forsaken blog.

Walking

2009-08-01T23:37:00.001+10:00

Walking is an amazing phenomenon. It is your most reliable form of transport.

Walking takes you places.

The simple act of continuously put one foot in front of the other; it takes seemingly no effort, so for how long can one walk? It seems no matter how far I get, I feel I can always go a little further.

If only I had this attitude towards everything else in life. Thank you, walking.

leaving + 1 ply toilet paper.

2009-07-30T22:11:00.004+10:00

I've come to realise that 'leaving' is the worst thing I have ever had to face in my life. Everything negative I have ever had to experience has had something to do with leaving; my parents leaving me with all their shit for months at a time, leaving relationships, even leaving instruments. leavingleavingleaving.

It seems that all humans do is leave. We leave home to go to school or work, only to leave that at the end of the day too. We leave family when we grow up, we leave college for jobs, we leave jobs for other jobs. Life just seems to be an endless chain of LEAVING.

But the leaving that I tortures me most is when I have to leave Zac everyday. Seriously, why bother? It cuts me up a little on the inside every time.

I have to say though, the only thing worse than leaving is 1 ply toilet paper. Whose idea was it? [edit; i'm not speaking from experience, okay?]

Jo and I are going to see harry potter again this weekend, and at a tiny, old movie theatre as well. I can't wait.

I feel terrible though, because we'll be having fun while Zac is off at a piano eisteddfod. Good luck - his AMus prowess is hot. (:

ps. we lost a baby tonight. goodbye, Z. i loved you. i'm genuinely upset.

Europe

2009-07-16T23:13:00.004+10:00

To buy in Europe:

- An undefinded, 16th birthday present for Zachary

- Mac store merchandise for Ruslan

- Lamborghini souvenir for Joseph

- An Angela

- A single issue of Wired Science Magazine

- A vlogger

- Something Britain-related

Money is clearly the root of all evil.

I need to start blogging again. Screw being wise and insightful; let the sentimental posts begin.

memories

2009-07-09T02:42:00.005+10:00

Why do we have memories? Or rather, why do we need memories?

Quite recently, I found a letter I had received from someone who I had shared a wonderful relationship/learning experience with a few years back. Along with it, I found a letter that I written in return, but never had the courage to give, and a piece of paper filled with words and phrases I wrote to remember what I thought had made life so brilliant at the time.

We had an incredible falling out the year that we gave each other (or he gave me) these letters. Naturally, they were both filled with stubbornly, long-overdue apologies and, particularly in mine, a few words about the things that I loved about our friendship.

Reading the two letters of reconciliation flooded me with memories. Suddenly everything I saw reminded me of the special meanings attached to otherwise insignificant objects. The clothes I'd worn, the music we heard, the intellectual thoughts we shared - it all came back to me. I spent a good half of, maybe an entire hour reliving the two years, and I felt every emotion I'd felt before in less than a thousandth of the time.

Needless to say, it was quite overwhelming, but it was also unbelievably unnecessary. Neither he nor I are the same people we were back then, and I didn't want to temporarily and very childishly wish that things were they were several years ago. To me, time is simply a measure of change, and change cannot be undone - and Idon't want it to be undone. What a pointless exercise anyway.

Why do we have memories? They serve next to no purpose; we don't really need them. There's a reason memories have become memories, instead of the present. I honestly would rather that I didn't remember how great some of my friendships were, and how I lost them. If memories are for learning from, I'd prefer to remember the lesson and forget the experience from which it came.

chimo :)

triumphs my arse

2009-07-04T20:07:00.005+10:00

Lately, due to my lack of posting, I've come to realise that I use blogging primarily to note all the things wrong in the world.

People I love, who love me back, tend to temporarily put a blind fold to my flaw-seeking eyes, rendering my blog lifeless for a while - for example, Zacs.

I told this to a Zac, and his only response to this was something along the lines of 'Why don't you write about the triumphs in life?' At first, I was honestly taken aback by this seriously radical notion, and wondered why that thought had never crossed my mind before, but then I realised, the only triumphs in life are found when we haven't failed.

I already know that I'm quite a cynical and slightly pessimisstic person, so I'm not going to even attempt to take on his suggestion. Sorry dear - I love you still.

On Micheal Jackson: he is one of the greatest things to have ever graced the human race - us lucky bastards. Thank you for everything you've done for music, dance and the world in general :)

So an indefinite hiatus from here on. I won't refrain from posting if I have something worth writing about.

Chimo.

my religion

2009-06-28T10:44:00.005+10:00

My religion -

It doesn't have a name. It's a way of life.

- I don't pray to a god, asking him to do things for me - I will myself to do them.

- I don't go to a church every sunday to show devotion to organized belief - I eat, drink, sleep, and live with respect for my mortal vessel.

- I don't live my life according to ten inflexible, dictated commandments. I don't read a holy text to mirror my life against someone who may or may not have existed - I make rational decisions and judgements based on the that morals I learn and develop.

I am my own god.

I believe in myself, in my ideals, my morals, my thoughts and my actions.

Is it really that difficult to comprehend?

perfection

2009-06-22T20:21:00.003+10:00

For some reason, perfection always seems just out of my reach.

No matter how hard I try, I always seem to fall short of 100%. It may have been a careless mistake, a preparation error, nerves - but I don't think I've heard the words "full marks", or "straight A's" in highschool ever before.

Perfection is possible. I've seen it done, but why can't I?

life on mars

2009-06-18T22:34:00.002+10:00

People often tell me how miraculously coincidental it is that life exists on earth, or that the chances of all the right conditions coming together to allow for life are massively tiny. They ask, "Do you have any idea of how much needed to come together for us to be having this conversation today?"

I think everyone's got it wrong.

Life exists because the conditions were right on earth; the conditions aren't coincedentally "just right" to accomadate for the existence of life.

To apply this concept to the question posed before, everything in the universe didn't happen to allow for myself and the other person to be having the conversation - we were having the conversation because everything else happened.

It's a difficult idea to get your head around at first - read slowly.. and twice.

wondering thoughts

2009-06-15T16:46:00.004+10:00

In writing my previous post, I failed to remember the existance of the rest of the world.

I tend to do that. I like the feeling you get when thoughts consume you. I don't know where I go when it happens to me. For a short while, I don't see or hear anything that occurs before me, but when I come to back down to earth, I can't seem to remember what I saw in the stead of reality.

When I'm conscious of my wondering, I usually hear my thoughts in semi-cohesive, English words, but when I lose myself I just .. know the essence of what I'm thinking, although rather, as a second person understanding the first.

I wonder how long a thought takes.

I think Zac and Daniel are really really cool.

night life

2009-06-03T01:48:00.004+10:00

I've done something incredibly stupid.

I really have. It may not sound like it to you, but the implications of my actions could be.. life changing, to say the least.

A long story short, I came home from a stressful day of winging exams I hadn't prepared for, and fell asleep on the couch. I expected to wake so that I could catch dinner, but it seems that even my subconscious is bent on missing deadlines. Basically I just slept all through the afternoon and evening and night, and woke at 1.00am. That was an hour ago; it's 2 now. Sad thing about this is, this is one of the rare times I slept for a full 8 hours, so there's no way I'm about to get back to sleep now.

What I'm trying to say that this pretty fucked up sleeping pattern is opting for an entirely new lifestyle.

It would mean that my day should generally start at midnight. I would eat, get myself cleaned and dressed in the first hour, then do my homework from 2-7 am before packing for school and catching the 7:24 bus to school, or an earlier one if I wanted to finish any extra work, although I really shouldn't need to as I would have been spending the previous 5 hours doing that exact thing. I'd sleep a couple of hours after I return home from school, and the cycle would begin again.

There are many 'Pro's to this lifestyle. It wouldn't allow for much procrastination - especially in the form of instant messaging as not many other people are awake at these hours, and also because generally you would be completing tasks on the morning that they're due. It sounds risky, but if I pull this off correctly and plan my time, I really should be finishing things days before. The cons to this lifestyle mainly involve being socially distant to the people in my home, and perhaps the people I talk to on msn... I don't know. Is it worth it? Also the time management would take some planning and getting used to, and if it failed, getting back into the rhythm of normal sleeping patterns would be hell.

But anyhow, I love the night time. There's just something about the infinite darkness that gives a sense of equality. The night is timeless. The clocks tell you otherwise, but there's nothing in the sky that believes them.

second chances

2009-06-01T22:49:00.005+10:00

Needless to say, there are countless instances in my life where I wish I could've just done simple things differently to completely change my life.

I constantly question myself with hypotheticals - "What if..", "If only.."

There's a particular moment racing through my mind right now; I just wish I could go back and change that one thing. My life could be so different.

If instead of leaving to wait for a bus.. if I just ran back.. and hugged them, called their name, anything, just not.. nothing at all, which just about sums up exactly what I did.

Maybe things would have been different. I don't know. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered. I just wish I knew.

Atheism

2009-05-24T10:45:00.012+10:00

Before I start, I just want to say, chain emails are nicht gut. Especially the ones of the religious kind.

1. Believe it or not, but atheists CAN actually be good people.

If you need religion to be a good person, then clearly, you're not the good, and strangely, religion is. Although, I guess if religion is what it takes to have more good people in the world, then so be it. Dickheads are not fun.

2. Atheists do NOT worship satan.

Atheists simply believe that there is no mystical, all knowing, omnipotent ruling power and that's that. Just because they do not worship 'God' does not mean that they worship the opposing "power" either. Atheists don't worship anything - not even science, despite what most will tell you.

3. There is no such thing as a religious child. Children are ignorant beings, and will believe any kind of shit you feed them. In primary and middle school we are made to try every subject before making decisions upon which fields we are interested in, or like or dislike, to further study in senior. Why is it not the same for religion? Why can we not all be educated from a third person standpoint - ie. not someone who's wanting to believe and not someone who's trying to convince - about all kinds of religious views, including Agnosticism and Atheism? Only then can we truly make an informed choice as to what kind of people we want to be.

4. The aforementioned chain email reads "[It is] Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says." -- Really? ... Really? This sentence leaves me lost for words. Ok but here they come - Really? You actually find that funny? Let me ask you: Do YOU question the news you read everyday? Isn't it therefore sinful to follow the word of the Bible aaand to believe the morning newspaper? Following your logic, it almost seems like you're suggesting that religious people shouldn't read or believe the newspaper.

What reason would the newspapers have to publish false truths? Do you actually think that the publishing companies are out to get us, and want to convert us all their new religion, Newspaperism, so we can follow the word of the Newspaper, live and quote Sports section, Page 10, Articles 6 to 8 - "And so we say, Matthew Johns is a dickhead!" Which is so not true, anyway.

Unless you're in North Korea, what is published in the media isn't controlled. North Koreans are probably the only people who should believe the bible over the media. This might surprise you, but the events that occur in newspapers are pretty damn recent, as opposed to being passed down through hearsay from generation to generation through oh I don't know... 21+ hundered years.

5. I will believe anything I want, thank you very much. With a scientific point of view, I am very, very happy to be proven wrong and quickly jump onto your religion bandwagon, but until that day comes, I will live my life the way I want, and you're not going to tell me otherwise.

6. Comic Sans, rainbow coloured paragraphs and using the word 'funny' to begin every second one of said colourful paragraphs really isn't the best way to spread the word of God. Correct grammar would help, and general sense-making would be nice too.

I am not making an attack on religion; simply defending Atheism and perhaps pointing out some minor flaws of religion in doing so. I am not anti-religion. I am simply pro-nonreligion. There's a difference.

If you wish for me to forward you this chain email, just leave me your address and I'll get back to you.

Hate away now. Go on.

Commenting

2009-05-23T13:47:00.004+10:00

Because of this new layout, I've had to sacrifice any good looking commenting and following functions.

However, if you wish to follow this blog, simply go to your dashboard, to the box which alerts you of the blogs you're following, and towards the bottom there are "add" and "manage" buttons. Click add, and then just put the URL right in.

Anyway, to address the commenting issue - I've attempted to implement a new kind of commenting system. I've manually coded in a comment box, however, it will always be to the same post. The comment form doesn't specify which post, so it really doesn't affect user commenting at all. This basically creates a system in which people can comment any single post, but because all previous comments for any post will appear, it almost doubles as a kind of enitre blog forum. This would allow for more things like @replies, opinion sharing, comment feuds etc.

I've provided example comments, so feel free to read over my older posts and comment them too. Make them interesting and fight each other and stuff. Have fun :)

Change

2009-05-22T23:50:00.004+10:00

Everything's changing from the initial novelty and high of new things to a comparatively, complete low.

There are no new people to meet, no new bus routes to try. No reason to pretend that you need a friend to show you the ropes, and no reason not to know. There's no more reason to force yourself to keep an open mind, to keep reminding yourself that first impressions shouldn't count, and that opportunities should be given before judgement.

No, that isn't how it works. Everything is hyped up, and you know things can only get worse from there. Optimism is flawed, realism is impossible and pessimism is potentially dangerous.

I feel so lost right now.

The people who I consider my friends are constantly changing and shifting. I dread the activities my weeks once relvolved around. My doubts towards and kind of stability have increased tenfold, not to mention the sheer amount of work that is just piling up at the moment.

Careers Counselling just made me realise so much more that I don't know what I want to do, right now, or ever.

Roots haven't grown, and there isn't yet a strong enough tree for me to lean on.

empty Frames

2009-05-21T17:42:00.008+10:00

Some people might think I'm crazy, but I love empty frames. All over my room, I have empty photo frames, empty poster frames, even an empty snow globe.

It's the absolute transparency, yet infinite possibility.

It really makes me wonder.

I wish I could be someone else, so I could meet me. I wonder what I would think of me. I wonder if I'd like me, or even just if I'd think I were nice or thoughtful. My goal is for this blog to actually be read, and for people to subscribe, but I wonder, would I?

Everything that I've ever wanted anybody else to do, I now question myself - would I?

Plans

2009-05-20T15:40:00.005+10:00

I don't know if it just applies to me, but my plans never, ever seem to work out right.

Whether if it's only planning my activities for the afternoon, planning the way in which I will bring down the multitude of assignments I have at hand, if I'm planning the people I want to spend an overseas trip with, or if I'm planning the rest of my life. They never, ever work out.

It's infuriatingly frustrating, and to be frank, it actually depresses me a fair bit. I understand that most things are very subjective to life, but constantly, I am bombarded with being told to PLAN. Teachers, parents, even myself, telling me to plan everything. To plan my time, plan my homework, plan my social life. And if anything ever goes wrong, the reason for it will always be because I didn't plan effectively enough, or simply because I didn't plan at all - they have a point. They're all correct, but you know what? Plans never work. Plans never work out the way you "plan" for.

If you have a plan, then by default you also have something that will most definitely derail it. In my opinion, plans are just ideas which never come into fruition that we use to pretend a way of order in our lives.

Thanks

2009-05-19T17:25:00.000+10:00

Some people are really shallow.

Some people are so much less than they make themselves to be. Some people make you believe in so much crap, you feel like an idiot for not knowing before.

I don't know why they bother hiding it - you always find them out. It's just a matter of when.

Thanks a lot for teaching me this. I'll never forget that some things are just too good to be true.

For Granted

2009-05-17T10:18:00.000+10:00

Why is it that people nowadays simply take for granted the incredible awesomeness of technology?

For example, I have no idea how iPhones and iPod touches manage to incorporate a pressure recognition system thing while at the same time, display images 50 billion times better quality than my plasma TV. In fact, I couldn't explain to you any kind of screen display, or memory, or audio output. But despite all this, I simply take it as it comes, without question but with 'meh', accepting that maybe I'll just never know.

Five years ago, if you were to have handed me a touchscreen piece of technology that was quite readily mass distributed to the entire world (ie. Hello, Apple) - at 9 years old and easily amused, I would've yelled "Magick!", with a 'k', and quickly burned you at the stake.

Nowadays we justify technology based on the fact that we're pretty sure someone somewhere out there can explain it, therefore it isn't an amazing feat of bejebus and his miracles, but perhaps, that of Dumbledore instead.

No Expectations

2009-05-12T17:36:00.000+10:00

Living your life with no expectations... is the best way to do it.

If you don't have expectations for anyone - if you don't expect anyone give anything to you, you may be quite surprised what may come your way.

Don't expect that the people you trust today will be there tomorrow; don't expect that what you have in plan today will turn out in the future. It all sounds very pessismistic, but it really helps you to see and appreciate when good things happen.

On another note, over the past few weeks I've come to learn that I really hate liking people. When I say like, I mean on likage on all levels. It makes me feel certain when I like someone, that everyone in the world is wanted except me.

Goodbye for now.

Well, Today Was Uneventful

2009-04-20T21:58:00.000+10:00

I hate those people who think they're too good for particular things, or particular people. I think the most common one I know of is the "I'm too cool for myspace" kinda thing, as if it makes them a better person for not having myspace.

And then there's just the general "I'm too good for you". That really pisses me off.

But anyway, today was silent all over the internet, and in real life... of course.

Has everyone already given up on the internet already? Has everyone already abandoned all sources of my entertainment?

I think it's time I move away from the internet, so I can avoid that constant rejection I face everyday when I boot up Chrome, check every subscription and feel incredibly let down as each sub never fails to disappoint.

*sigh*.

How Do the Popular Kids Do It?

2009-04-18T10:44:00.000+10:00

lol - as soon as I let myself acknowledge that I like my life the way it is, life decides to take it all away from me. In other words, things fall apart infinitely faster than they "fall into place".

Voldemort and I broke up - laugh if you wish, 'cause I find it quite humourous as well - mainly 'cause we were boreeeed ('cause he was gaming 24/7 lol) so we didn't speak 1/4 as much as we used to. But yeh I've known him for ages and we had more fun when we were just friends :)

But yeh, this leads me to the point of this post: How do the popular kids do it??

On average, I would have to say that the popular kids get into at the very least 3 relationships a year. At the onset of my relationship, I knew it wasn't going to last very long. But even though I knew that (therefore, it wasn't an overly serious thing, I didn't throw myself entirely into it etc. etc.), I have to admit, I'm still a little bit lost as to what I should do with myself on the other side of it.

When I ask how the popular kids do it, I don't mean anything remotely similar to how they physically get into so many relationships, but rather how, even why they prepare themselves mentally for realtionships destined for certain doom.

I wonder if they give a shit...

So Apparently I'm Still Into The Children's Entertainment Industry

2009-04-17T03:21:00.000+10:00

Apparently so.

I caught myself unconsciously singing to a song that ravaged my childhood as they replayed the Wiggles this afternoon.

"Hands in the air, rockabye the bear.

Bear's now asleep - shh, shh, shh!

Bear's now asleep - shh, shh, shh..."

You've got to admit though, they did have some pretty flash special effects. In fact, I was surprised to discover it was an older video at all. I was instantly hit with a wave of nostalgia when I saw the "old Yellow Wiggle" (capitals are necessary, aren't they?) singing and dancing (I thought, Oh yay! Someone's raised him [Greg] from the hospital bed!), although I never really took a liking to him so I followed it with a snide comment something along the lines of him only being able to sing.

Ok right so now I've caught myself looking at their FAQ page. THIS IS SO TRAGIC.

lol. One of the questions on their "about wiggles" section is, "Are the wiggles married and do they have children?", and everyone, even Sam (the newest member and previous 20yr old understudy to a 50yr old - for continuity purposes, of course) is at least married, while the martial status of Jeff (the purple wiggle) is "Single and with no children." I dunno. Maybe he's in more of a tragic situation than I am; a teen looking up The Wiggles and all.

Ohh and I've just realised that Wikipedia and the Wiggles site have a similar icon! Except Wikipdia tries to be all serious and crap but The Wiggles just tries to be all Big W.

Copy and pasted directly from the site:

What are The Wiggles' middle names?

Sam Wiggle Moran
Murray Wiggle Cook
Jeff Wiggle Fatt
Anthony Wiggle Field

Kill me already.

Oh, and just for the record, the blue wiggle [Anthony] was always my favourite.

Things Fall Into Place.

2009-04-15T10:45:00.000+10:00

Wow.

Now that I "stand outside" and have a look at my life now, I have to admit things really could not have worked out better for me and my friends.

I'm really glad I left my previous school. There are so many nice things that wouldn't have happened if I didn't; I wouldn't be in QYO, I certainly wouldn't be going out with (lets say 'Voldemort' for the purposes of this blog) Voldemort, Angie wouldn't have the friends she has now, Angie wouldn't be in the situation she's in now (xD), not to mention some really cool/nerdy/athsma-inducing people I've met over the past 2 months. Oh right, and the educational opportunities. I can never seem to remember that. I still get to go to Europe, I still get to visit JPC every week, which is strangely, even though it's the school I'm happy to have left, also one of the best parts of life at the moment as well.

Let me just take this opportunity to say that "I wouldn't be going out with Voldemort" is possibly the coolest thing written on the internet, ever.

So right now, there are four main "groups" of people in my life right now:

- Best friend. I never get to see you though, which is weird how this is all working out.

- Voldemort and Friend, 'cause Friend's pretty cool as well :)

- the class time boys - funniest group of kids ever. They always have me rolling on the floor in every class, whether it's because of their ability to pull of 'your mum' and 'that's what she said' jokes, or because they've drugged me. Either way it's quite enjoyable.

- the lunch time girls and co. - Not so funny but a great bunch of people to pass time with xD

It's in order of importance, I guess. Or maybe in order of how happy they make me. I don't know. I hate deeming the importance of people, although at the same time I would never say that they're equal. In a strange way, that would just be unfair.

I guess this blog entry was really for my own purposes. Like a little snap shot of what I love about life right now. If this were lj, I'd turn off the comments and lock this post, but it's not so feel free to read and comment xD.

P.S.: Being home alone and blasting 'The Downeaster "Alexa"' through my speakers makes me very, very happy. At the moment, Storm Front would have to be my favourite albums, although my least favourite song. But, Sting and Anne Murray are so good right now. Queen is still brilliant, and Billy Joel doesn't even need to be mentioned. Except for the fact that I already have. Rahhhh! I love my music.

Useless Ad on TeeFow/Fernsehen.

2009-04-12T17:02:00.001+10:00

There's this ad on TV at the moment, advertising those metal screens you can get for your windows and doors. See that wouldn't be a problem at all, except for the fact their main selling point is that it "keeps the outside, outside." What it means is, say, if you have an abitrary tree branch that just happens to be growing on the side of house, and the breeze quite annoyingly makes the branch continually knock against the side of your door, you should buy their screens because they keep the branch out of your home.

NO. IT DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT.

If a branch is constantly hitting your door and it annoys you, YOU DON'T BUY A FREAKING SCREEN to "keep it out". You freaking CUT IT DOWN.

Ugh.

I Suck at the Whole First Person Thing.

2009-04-11T16:01:00.001+10:00

I don't know if it's just me but whenever I pass a location at which I had some sort of memorable experience, I always see the memory from where I currently stand. In other words, I never see memories from a first person perspective, which is weird because at the time of the "occurence" I don't see anything that I see when I see...

UGH.

I need sleep.

Nazi. + can't be bothered tagging.

2009-04-10T19:11:00.000+10:00

Ugh, I have developed this awful habit of placing valuable (to me anyway) things like my ipod touch or my phone in my lap and just standing up with complete disregard.

The results are... annoying to say the least.

Anyway, lately I've been having this craazy idea nagging at me constantly. So basically, imagine a civilisation in which, rather than earning punishment, people are confined until they earn freedom. Of course, the freedom isn't difficult to gain, nor is the "confinement" a constant oppression or anything - the people "inside" simply wouldn't benefit from any luxuries (like wallpaper, or walls in general lol), but any simple, worthy service to the community, for example, teaching or even hairdressing, would get you "out".

To me, it would make the world a more intelligent, interesting and richer place to live. The motive for freedom is a big incentive to be useful at the very least. I guess it has that underlying "creating a pure race" shit but honestly, it makes much more sense to me than killing everyone else, and freedom isn't limited to just one race anyway (remember, things like creating entertainment [making video games, creating music] are considered services as well), so in essence, I win, and Hitler loses.

Yeh, I realise that I haven't factored in like financial considerations and crap like that but wtv. I'M COOL AND NOT SELF INDULGENT AT ALL.

Video Time Capsule.

2009-04-08T15:55:00.000+10:00

Hmm.

I think I want to make one.

I don't know why.

I think I'm running late with this idea though. Oh well.

I realise that this is one of the primary functions of videos, but after all the vlogging I watch it certainly doesn't seem that way.

Maybe a picture collage? I don't know.

I probably won't anyway.

Sheeeeep

2009-04-06T16:59:00.000+10:00

wooooooots.

So I got most of my results back - an A for every single one of my exams apart from German, but seriously, come on.

*schnapschnaps*

So anyway, I was having an annoying bout of insomnia last night (it's becoming quite rare nowadays [I was staying up later than I should have though]), but it eventually became so much of an arse that I decided to count sheep. Now, usually I would just count numbers (eg. 1, 2, 3... without "visual aids", per say), but I had never actually counted sheep. The "daydream" was in colour (surprising, only in primary colours, green and brown), and I was imagining the sheep bouncing in from the outside of a fenced area as I counted. Why the sheep willingly jumped from freedom into my cage of mental torture, I would have no idea why. Anyway, what worried my most about my technique of sleep-inducing, was when I got to certain numbers, I began to physically (well, as much as possible in a imagination) *factorise* the number of sheep.

For example - the number 20 would look like 5 groups of sheep in which they then divided themselves into the only possible prime number, 2. Of course, some numbers were more complex, but I really can't be bothered to relive MY WAKING NIGHTMARE.

God it was horrible. I think it I uncosciously began doing that because I became frustrated with the fact that I couldn't possibly visualise 20 sheep, randomly scattered, without being able to keep track of each one and doubting my counting abilities. It's a scary prospect, huh? I know how you feel.

Counting sheep? Never again.

The Rainbow Connection

2009-04-04T10:52:00.000+10:00

Dear Blogary,

This morning, I woke up and turned on the TV. On it, was the most beautiful song ever.

The Rainbow Connection - It was originally sung by 'kermit the frog' in the opening to the muppet show, but the video of it is not anywhere to be found on the internet.

Some people have done really nice covers of it - I know of Sarah McLachlan's (I think her's is my favourite), Jason Mraz's (it's actually pretty decent. He's put in a bit of his own style, and it's quite within reason too), The Carpenters', whom I love dearly, The Dixie Chicks, and just other tidbit people who've done pretty great jobs of it too.

I WANT THE ORIGINAL.

TO THE CORPRATE COMPANIES - A DEAD MAN (Jim Henson - sorry, Jim) WON'T EARN ANY MONEY. oh right, but you will, you selfish bastards. LET US LISTEN TO A GREAT SONG FOR FREE. j

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me...

With or Without You.

2009-04-01T18:08:00.000+10:00

Do any of you ever ponder about the people you thought you'd die without, yet you live your life everday as if they may as well never have existed? The people who were the reason you woke up each morning just to see at school. People whom you'd spend every waking moment thinking about them/something related to them.

To be honest though, there have been so many people who were the very centres of my world at different points in my life. I would've done a double take in disbelief at the very mention of the fact that I would not ever see them again by the time I reach 14. I constantly question myself as to how exactly I am living without their influence, when they were once the very composition of my living.

How am I doing it? Why is it that now, I get up for an entirely different group of people, and I don't give a damn that my old friends aren't going to be there when I get to school? What thoughts have now replaced those once centred around particular people? Is it my place to say that there may not ever be a group of people that I will know for the rest of my life, or, quite bluntly, that there will never be anyone I will not be able to live without?

I know this is relatively harsh and cold, but it's reality. No, I am not suggesting that I haven't appreciated my friendships enough, or that I regret the downfalls of some of my relationships - things are the way things are, and I'm happy with the way things are. We can say from day to day "Best Friends Forever" or "I love you", but we cannot mask the fact that one day, we may not be with the same people, and that we will live without them, so enjoy it while it lasts.

To quote Tim Minchin's song for the Comedy Gala, "If I didn't have you, I would probably have someone else."

Monday

2009-03-30T22:52:00.000+10:00

Ok so, I know this says posted on Monday, but it's Wednesday now (which means exam block is OVERRRRR), so I guess you're stuck with my memory of Monday. + there's some "timeless", per say, stuff in here anyway.

Well, I guess all I really wanted to say about Monday anyway was that it was pretty freaking epic. Choir was cancelled (yes, after an hourr + 30min bus ride to get there) so Mitchell and I just found each other and hung out. Which was awesome. Which is also about just about everything that was epic about Monday, apart from I THINK I ACED THE CHEM EXAM.

That's all :)

dailybooth.

2009-03-28T00:22:00.001+10:00

So I have dailybooth nows :(

I hate being a stupid confomist but wtv.

Me soo sleepy. Woke up at 5 this morning to make a fruitless attempt at not failing English.

www.dailybooth.com/vivsmiles

yeh.

Elevator Music

2009-03-27T11:56:00.001+10:00

is boring, awkward, AND SOUNDS LIKE PR0NO music/comment time! Actually, it doesn't, because porno music/comment time is good. Elevators aren't. Nor is elevator music... which is what I was meant to talk about. (btw, that is a zero in 'PR0NO'. But because it can sense that my awesome presence, it's trying it's best to make me look like a fool. Obviously, it wins :(). omg - smiley-bracket metacrisis!

"So Donna, do you now know why there's never been a smiley-bracket metacrisis?"

"...yes... because there can't be one..."

Well, clearly there is, and clearly it oozes out suckness, so take that Donna Noble.

But yes, as I was saying, elevator music is bad.

Do we all see now why I fail English? Exhibit B right there, Exhibit A my English exam today (in which we had to write 1500 words in 90 mins (is that even physically possible?) - which turned out to a poor excuse for a DISASTER.

I only managed 804 words (I didn't count, I just guesstimated, as 804 is a multiple of 11), which will probably fail me. I did quite a lot of planning for it; notes on the content, quotes, deep studying of the text, scaffolding, I even tried to memorise it etc. etc., but when I got into the examination room I froze up and I couldn't even get the opening thesis statement out. So I made it all up! Nothing went as planned, I felt like absolute shit, I was having word diarrhea out of my mouth (which tasted pretty great [actually, come to think of it, it was more like out of my hand. That's pretty pathetic.]), and I'm sure none of what I wrote had any cohesion whatsoever. I'm not even sure of what I wrote. Godammit, I was really hoping to improve my grade - Gheyyy!

Poopooface. And so now I'm sitting here at the State Library pretending to study with uni students all around me (when I say around, we're all pretty far apart but you get my drift) thinking that I'm an obnoxious, wagging kid. Which I am, 'cause I'm meant to be studying for my other 3 exams.

++, I was gonna meet Mitchell at Hyperdome but I forgot. Which makes me feel even shitter (lol, yes) 'cause I want to see him and I suck at life. :)

Heck, it's the weekend though.

- My parries is with the father,

Viv.

Personificationly - Like Personification.

2009-03-24T22:41:00.000+10:00

Does anyone have human feelings towards inanimate objects/things that plainly shouldn't have feelings?

Like, whenever I take something out of the fridge, I'll feel obligated to use a little bit more, or pour a little be more. I feel like by taking more weight off the fridge drawers and into my stomach, I'm doing the fridge a little favour.

"Here, take a little load off."

Or what about those really amazing songs which you want to listen to over and over again. After like the 5th time in a row I replay a song, I begin to feel sorry for the artist, as if they were to feel tired and sore or something.

GOD I AM INSANE.

Another Blog about Buses. /sadface.

2009-03-23T17:36:00.000+10:00

People SMELL on buses. Yes, that's all kinds of smells, from body odour, to FARTING. People are obnoxious on buses. People look at you for way too long on buses. People TAKE UP TOO MUCH ROOM on buses [ie. are fat/can't be bothered to move to fit more people on the bus, or simply just so you can have more room on the bus].

I have to admit, THE NOVELTY IS WEARING OFF. oh my god - this cannot be happening.

Public transport is designed to get you from point A to point B.

WELL IT DOESN'T.

The best possible route of public transport only gets me from (ok now get ready for the maths here):

(Point A + 5min walk [so that's 5 mins beyond point A]) to (Point B - 15 mins across two freaking ovals and a hill [15 minutes short of Point B)

So if I were to write this as an expression on a number line, I would say:

{xx is a member of Q, A+5 < x < B-15} =

<--A------[varied travel time]-----------B-->

- ~ 2 [one hyphen is approximately 2 minutes]

/dies of nerdiness

I realise that x is really a member of N or Z+, but for the purposes of this hyphen based diagram, x is a member of Q. Now don't give me crap about it.

Ermm, otherwise, things have been going pretty well. I realise I haven't posted for very long, but that's because I haven't properly procrastinated long enough to do so. Of course, now with exam block looming in the next couple of days, this is perfect opportunity to do exactly that.

I'm pretty sure I wrote a post about two Fridays ago, saying how everything was much better than I thought it was the previous Tuesday, I was just overreacting etc. etc. smooshy stuff, but I fell asleep after I spontaneously decided to abandon the computer for a little while. I had meant to come back, but was like nearly 11 after I came back from QYO and I was exhausted from a looooooooong week. ;askdjf;lkshdg +++++ NOBODY ELSE ON THE INTERNET IS POSTING ANYTHING ANYMORE.

I have like 15 subscriptions on Youtube, but for the past like week or so, I've been getting "your subs have not been posting any vids lately" on my homepage. + nobody posts on blogger anymore either. GOODNESS. <---- doesn't even make sense, but people seem to say it and so will I!

Enough rambling. I think I shall post again after exam block, ie. next, next weekend.

taaaaaaa :)

Big, Fat, Manic Life.

2009-03-04T17:31:00.000+10:00

I think I'm hitting one of those mid-teen crisis...es?

Some people will probably be happy to hear that I'm not as happy as I thought I would be, but up yourrrrrrrrs, bitch.

Life is just one big, fat, manic Monday at the moment, and like the song, I'm wishing it was Sunday.

Everything is just suddenly dawning on me; I don't actually go to JPC anymore, and QASMT isn't a 3 year long science workshop.

I'm reaching a cross-road in my life where I have to decide to change myself to be liked by people I hate, or be happy being different. And yes, I'm beginning to realise that I think quite differently to most people of my age. And I'm beginning to realise that it's quite difficult for me to relate to most people of my age - either I grow down to the big, black pit that is raging hormones and popularity-seeking, or I waste my life waiting for someone to understand me.

I don't want to be popular or cool or even well-liked. All I want is a NICE friend, lol. There aren't enough nice people in the world. I want to find someone/group of people even relatively similar to myself. I miss wondering about the world with people, and I miss discovering things about ourselves. But I guess one of my problems is that I understand myself and other people a bit too much. Plus, I don't exactly physically look like a reject either. I just think like one, and a unique reject at that too... which would probably mean that I'd be rejected from the rejects as well.

Gahh. I don't know what to do.

Popularity.

2009-03-03T21:53:00.000+10:00

Oh dear lordy.

why is it that everybody tries so hard to be popular?

I know some really nice people who're... nice, and they'd be the perfect friend for me, but their lives a wasted trying to be well-liked, or trying to get into a relationship with a whore. It's rlyrly sad.

I haven't really made any close friends at my new school - just a people I hang around with but secretly really hate. I don't feel I could even hold a truly interesting conversation with anyone. I have to vomit some small talk. (By the way, if I haven't already said, I think small talk is GAY.)

Well, what I'm really trying to say is for some reason (well, not just some reason), I kinda don't want these particular people to like me.

Butnotreallythough.

I'M CONFUSED.

Buus.

2009-02-28T10:48:00.001+10:00

New layout? Yes? Yes? Yes.

Sorry. I lied about the posting tomorrow. Things like that usually happen when I make a commitment.

Anyway, I've been noticing more and more lately, that my body's internal clock seems to work only on half/hourly intervals. My bus leaves at 6:54. I THINK I'LL HAVE TO DISAGREE THERE.

God, it drives me nuts! Of all the abituary numbers to choose, WHYYY 54? I CAN'T GET THERE AT A '54th' MINUTE. I keep missing that bus (which, by the way, is the fastest, least going-to-jargon-destinations route there is. Plus, I don't need to change buses on this route) which usually ends up with me deciding to take a completely random bus to the city that takes approx. 1 hour to get there, by which time the bus which I need to catch from the city has left only a minute earlier and will decide, instead of coming once every 15 minutes, to skip a couple of busses and take about 45 mins. And when it does decide to come, I'll be a simple hour late for school.

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

[oh. I just saw the little autosavedoobyfunctionthingy, and it last saved at 10:54. *sigh*]

Speaking of bus stations and etc., I have a dream. No, not to be a bus driver, but rather, TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR A TRAIL OF COMPACTION BEFORE I LEAVE SCHOOL!

Seeeeeeeeee??

PEE.ESS.: DEAR 'THE LIVING END': GET YOURSELF A REAL BASS PLAYER, WHO HAS A REAL BASS, PLUGGED INTO A REAL AMP, WHERE YOU CAN HEAR REAL NOISE COMING OUT OF IT, instead of some prentencious, image-seeking, "cool", "alternative" crap.

Eedeen

2009-02-25T17:17:00.000+10:00

and then there was light!

Today, I was walking home from the bus station when I was thinking about someone I met today - Eden. This is particularly weird for me because a) Eden is a guy. I'm actually not sure whether or not it is abnormal, but, b) my first best friend evereverever's name was Eden, and she was a girl.

Anyway, irrelevance!

I was thinking about how familar his name was, and I was attempting to rack my brains as to where I had heard it before, and it eventually struck me that it was that garden from the bible. Of course, I then remembered the two people who were in that garden - Adam and... I-got-stuck. Ohh, her? Yeah, I know her. I-got-stuck and me, we're like *this* tight.

Well, I get really annoyed when I forget things, so for some reason, I tried to start a train of thought that might help me remember her name. You'll never believe it. The first thing i thought of was Pokemon - sinful child! I thought of Abra, Charmander and Mew first because my friend and I were talking about them today, but then I thought of, Eevee... oh she's cute. wow. Eeeeeeeeeveeeee. Eeeevuvuvuh.

And then I got it. I FELT SO STUPID. /////cryslitwrist.

I'm thinking of making a demotivational poster and putting it on /b/ saying "I'm so atheist, I need Pokemon to help me remember the story of creationism," with a little picture where "Eevee = Eve."

I'm not sure whether to be proud of this or not... I'm not bagging out religion, although I do think it's at times a bit of a hypocritical joke. I certainly understand that some people rely on religion for hope and a guide to life and etc. etc., but when it comes to explaining miracles, nature and miricles in nature, I think we shoud listen to the Aboriginies there. Not to mention, there are so many people out there who consider themselves "Christian" or any variation upon that, and have never even read the bible.

I just reckon you should live your life the way that it is. Don't hate me for my beliefs 'cause I don't hate you for yours.

Anyway, tata for now. I think I have something to write about tomorrow - Yay!

today... i didn't use capitals.

2009-02-22T22:39:00.000+10:00

p.s.: i title my blogs after i write them, so seeing as i wrote the title last, the response to it is at the beginning of the blog...

I HAS NO IDEA WHY :(.

it's so weird when sometimes i spend a day on the internet and it hurts to pull the plug out at night.

i doesn't want to :(. the time draws nearer, and i can feel the impending sense of doom, and the sudden awareness of my morality. (thanks yourtikken)

also, tonight i forewent a can of coke 'cause a mosquito flew into the fridge and it thought it'd be funny to make the mosquito reallyreally cold.

i regrets.

+ alex and becky broke up. stupid kristina :(

that actually makes me really upset.

gahh. today has not been good.

edittttt: i suddenly realised why. been listening to this song. very very depressing. as in like, personally depressing, as opposed to like, generically sad.

wow i want to cry.

After the Movies

2009-02-12T20:22:00.000+10:00

Whoaz.

This week is epic. I've had this like, boot/survival camp for the past three days (Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday) and I have this Wind Symphony camp tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday.

I'm going to be so smashed when I get back to school next week. Not to mention, I have a 1500 word essay to write in a week.

Well, seeing as this is the only time I've been able to sit down and write to my blog since school resumed, I'll make it boring.

I've been pondering this subject for quite a long time now, but for some reason, I can't seem to mentally explain it very clearly. Basically, what I want to say is goes something along the lines of:
ihatepeople. justbecausemoviesendhappily, doesn'tmeantheirlivesendtherehappily. 'speciallywiththeteenflickswherethegirlandtheguyalwaysgettogetherintheend, imeansrlsy, asiftheywouldn'tbreakuplikeaweeklateranyway. eventheoneswherethepeoplegetmarried. likethey'renotgonnagetadivorce. imeanliek, whenarrrewe?? GRRRSH.

I hope it was easy to understand that.

Updates:
- I rolled my ankle harharharhar. it was funpainful.
- Today, I bought sea monkies, long straws with umbrella's attached, + candles for Michelle's birthday - HAPSDAPS TO YOU mishmish. 14 - the sum of which is no divisible by 3, 4, 5 or 6. I would know... I divisibility-tested them.
- I bought a sword for Max. Haven't seen you in aaaaages, and I figure the sword will probably serve you well in your acting career. :ppp
- The guys who work at National Geographic/any variation upon can all juggle, and are AWESOME. I have a general, specietic crush on you guys. snaps.
- I'm getting Richard a hamburger with a sugar-pearl love heart pressed into the bread for valentines. Take that, creativity!
- Callum, you have a job. I will take you down like a night arab in the night.
- :(((((( Brock. I miss you lots. Especially since my current mathematics teacher looks like a more janitor-like, old, sweaty, monotonous version of you. <3
- Vincent.
- Gibbo sucks and goes to toilet like a girl - in pairs.

WILL BE BACK SOON HOPEFULLY.

sheeya,
vvvvvvvvvvvvvv.

Guidelines to Harmonious Living - GTHL number 1!

2009-02-02T19:18:00.000+10:00

I've just completely my first, 5 days (week) at QASMT, and from this experience, I have established 3 solid rules as to how I should live my life:

1. No one will ever be "not good enough" for me. There is a wide world out there I had never experienced before, and there are so many great people I've met from all walks of life. Not getting to know them would be a waste of my existance.

2. Seize all opportunities (Yes to everything!). Look what it's done for me; just 2 months ago, I was unsure, upset and disappointed about everything. Now, I've started an entirely new chapter behind, and it just may have given me the kick to get where I want in life.

3. Everything in moderation. - alright, so maybe just 'yes' to most things. edit: seize opportunities in moderation, and i'm not even kidding.

Anyway, I haven't really been in a blogging mood lately, so I'll come back when I do.

Ciao.

Another Addition to my Non-Subject Specific Blogs

2009-01-31T09:07:00.001+10:00

Finally! The first week of school is over.

No matter how fun and exciting something is, if it's new you tend to constantly be on high alert, which is incredibly draining. I didn't sleep much this week, partly 'cause of all the excitement and then partly 'cause of Mr Djokovic, who screwed with my sleeping habits, making me stay up 'til two the night before school started to watch his game which I already knew the results of. Anyway, I have to get up at 6 o'clock every day to catch the bus, and 4 hours of sleep can be slightly detrimental to your health.

Meeting new people is so much fun as well. It's like a friggin shark tank. Everyone is trying to make friends with the people they like, and unfortunately for me, I just happen to be a picky person and there aren't many people I do like (that I'm actually aware of, because I've only seen like, 1/3 of my grade so far). But there'll be a camp soon, where apparently you meet tonnes (tons? metric?) of people you didn't even know existed.

Anyways, I had lots to write about yesterday, but I fell asleep in the afternoon because I was so tired. I'll post when I remember.

Collars

2009-01-23T19:05:00.000+10:00

So... I went to pick up my uniform today. Actually no, I went to pick up my school bag, because everything else I'd previously ordered hadn't come yet, despite the uniformdoobyperson's very solid promise that they would. This includes my jumper, tracksuit pants and jacket, and blazer.

Anyway, NOT IMPORTANT.

What's important... OUR.BLAZERS.HAVE.COLLARS.

*much relief, an instant drop in blood pressure and unexplained loss of fat* - haha, no, I didn't just use "the facilities".

I can't wait to get back to school.

Aside from this boring school crap, the only other excit ing news is: I'VE GOT BAGS UNDER MY EYES!

Well, not really. they're just like somebody consideratly hurt me. I'll call it 'Precision Punching'. It's never happened to me before, so let me revel in this gracing experience in peace.

Umm what else? Novak Djokovic is the best - marry me? Ricky Ponting is short, has a small head and plays an awful sport. Ted, they are Robin's kids.

Viv.

Person from Gosford

2009-01-23T03:41:00.000+10:00

Dear personfromgosfordNSW,

YOU.

seem to have vistited a couple of times.

Please comment/sub/email/anything so that I can know who you are.

YOU.

have been personally communicated to!

Much love/thanks/appreciation/worldpeace,

Vivien.

Stuffs

2009-01-23T03:07:00.001+10:00

Ok.

So it's 10 minutes past 3am, I can't sleep aaand I've just remembered that I've figured out how to post pictures!!

Yay. I owe you guys a few. Ermm... Here are a couple of them... a bit out of context, I guess:

The first one is about that super yuck lime flavoured Breaka which I bought a couple of months back (sorry for the sidewaysness), and the second is my with my super cool double bass which I've edited to be super artisy and to abuse the use of the word "super". Of course, I'm a bit further in front of it, so yeh, it's pretty big.

Anway, I think the wheels of life/education are beginning to spin again after it's temporary, intended fall off the wagon. I went with Michelle to buy her uniform for QACI today, and um... I really don't have anything to say. It's not as good looking as I thought it would be (oh right, I forgot to mention that their blazers didn't have collars - *ahhh!*), but I guess, what is school really for in the end? I'm going to pick up the rest of mine tomorrow (blazer, jumper, school bag and... I think that's it) and I'm reaaaally hoping for this collar thing to work out. It's kinda weird.

Oh well. There're only 4ish days to go!

Viv.

P.S.: The TV's weird tonight. Instead of advertisements that attract needy people to sms to get sex tapes on their mobiles, there're half hour long "short program" advertisements selling mops, exfoliators and fat draining cookery - the most repetive things I've ever heard in my life, Jimmy Barnes and his son recording video clips for their songs and Good Morning America, in Australia, at night.

Ahh, I see.

Knitting

2009-01-21T13:07:00.000+10:00

Ok. I pride myself on being able to knit, however:

1) I don't particularly enjoy it, and
2) There are several things I don't understand about it.

2.1) Who invented knitting?? S/he's got to be a certifiable genius if you ask me.
Situation:
Oh gosh I'm bored. I wonder what will happen if i get a pair of sticks, some string and continually pass it to and from the sticks in a series of knots (stick through the stitch, loop the stick to create a hole, pull stick out through the bottom of whole... repeat!)?

*later*

Wow.

2.2) When I mysteriously add or lose stitches, why does the knitting simply accept it?? Why must it not fall apart and end up looking like underwear?? (Due to some freak act of nature, I actually did managed to create some orange, underwear-shaped piece of knitting).

*sigh*.

Ch-ch-ch-changes :)

2009-01-15T14:38:00.000+10:00

Alright, I don't believe in New Year Resolutions (<-- there's some correct grammar for you to eat up [eek, I'm not so certain of the capitals!]) but you know what? (<-- oh and there's some incorrect grammar for you to throw up a little bit on) I'm going to a new school, a new music program, new people, new everything! So, I'VE DECIDED TO IMPLEMENT SOME EPIC CHANGES IN MY LIFE.

lol - it's not really that epic. Basically, here's a list of all the things I've done to change, both in a physical and a sort of academic aspect of my life:

1. I WILL EXERCISE. There was a little hiccup in this though: I went for my first run to anywhere in about 3 billion years a couple of days ago, and my knees ended up nearly dislocating, my achilles tendon is close to snapping (not really, but they are in pain), and all the muscles from my bum - I feel this word should have a 'B' on the end - bumb muscles right down to the ones surrounding my ankles are in a constant cramp (again, slight exaggeration here). I think my mother told me never to run again. -.-"

HOWEVER!, I will not be deterred by mere physical obstacles like being a little bit disabled! I'm taking up swimming again :)

2. I cut my hair. No, not like some sissy little trim. I got rid of the long fringe. *whispers* It still looks the same when I tie it up :D.

3. I'm seriously thinking of colour coding my fingernails, if my school permits this. I already do, but with length, rather than colour.

4. I'VE COMPLETELY REVAMPED MY BEDROOM. I looove it. I bought stands for my bass guitar, violin and clarinet (yes, I'm leaving the double bass in the garage (I love that word. It's so raw and has such a baroque feel..) aaand finally I've bought myself a music stand. It's kinda flimsy but I'll live. Um... what else? I've got a book case now! (however sore an excuse for one it is, at last! my very small book collection is all in the same room!) Oh right, a cosier bed, which I insisted upon ridding the wheels on so it's closer to the ground (hence the cosy), and I've got a bean bag now :D. I'm going to collect used up toilet paper rolls stick them to the walls because I think it's lots of fun, and I'm not sure of how many other people are doing that already.

5. I plan on becoming obsessed with calanders. I kind of already am...

6. Read more? I'm really not well read. Disappointing, really.

7. Not look at the TV at all during the working week. No msn, no sort of social interaction that lasts more than 15 minutes at any given time. Ohh this is going to be difficult :(.

8. Last of all I resolve to see these other resolutions through.

Gahhhhh. What have I gotten myself into?

Is This What I Have To Do??

2009-01-15T14:10:00.000+10:00

Ok. I wrote a horrible, boring, immature and childish blog, left it, came back a week later, and now I've been visited by nearly 10 people from places including the Philipenes, UK, NSW and various places on the Gold Cost. Oh right, and thanks to the person who subscribed and yet to get-to-know, but whom I also now love very dearly.

Zero points for being a stick up your arse, but seriously, is this what I have to do to get more viewers?

I mean, thanks, but when I actually do put an effort to make my blog slightly intelligent and a little bit worthy, people ignore it.

Oh well. I appreciate it anyway. Happy 12 days until school resumes in Australia/possibly just Queensland!

Will get back to regular posting when procrastination becomes desperately unnecessary and a desperate necessity.

Taaaaa.

Humanit- No, Vogonity.

2009-01-03T19:02:00.001+10:00

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

I saw someone today in the city who looked like a Vogon! I should've taken a picture with him :(. I'm very depressed now. He had the whole, hunchback, eyebrows drooping over the eyes, the noes falling short of average length and reaching to the sky... a little. Wow. I hope he was a nice person.

Yeah I'm really bored at the moment (I seem to be saying that in all my posts, no matter how far apart they are), so I don't really have anything to write about. APART FROM THE FACT THAT I BOUGHT MYSELF A SPUNKY CAN OF CAFFINE-FREE, DIET COKE. I know, right? WTF. I'm pretty sure the entire point of the invention of coke was to drink a caffine loaded, sugar packed beverage that would give you a kick while it goes down your pipes and keeps you awake 'til the very next night. What has the world come to? This has like, de-materialised the very fabric of my reality. Again, I'll post a picture soon/most probably never. I've got to admit though, it does have a good packaging. Well, it'd probably need to considering it looks like liquid shoe and tastes like badly carbonated artificial sugar can water.

Anyway, 'tis all for now. ENJOY YOURSELF.

When All Is Said and Done

2008-12-31T11:10:00.000+10:00

Well, we've all come to the end of another year. I'm not a great believer in celebrating everything (and believe me, it won't be a celebration in a literal sense for me - just a great, big milestone in that I'm glad I'm alive at the end of).

2008 was a shit load of shit. There is no other way of putting it.

2008 was... family gathering into family tolerating into family loathing. It was a drop of sane in a sea of insane. 2008 was an issue for my mental health. It was spirit-crushing, self-esteem tearing, complete annihalation for my formal ideals. It was the breakdown of a once promising career in academics, relationships, and reasonablly positive emotions . There are countless people and friendships who have changed into things I never would've even imagined them to be. In my point of view, 2008 was simply a total lack of disrespect for life.

Yerp. Insomnia got really bad, I spent ages in the bathroom (not that I chose that location for any particular reason. Humans are naturally territorial animals and I found my bedroom was too big [oh, and when I say bathroom, I mean, the room in which the bathroom is, as opposed to toilet) thinking about the apparent demise of my life aand... I'm proud to say I had a mental breakdown and I'm perfectly sane now. Sure, maybe not jumping-over-the-moon happy just yet, but sane, which is better than I've ever been all year.

I've got to admit, though, the shit was pretty educational.

I remember everything I was feeling at this moment 365 days ago and boy, I would sell my a lung, part of my liver, a kidney and possibly my appendix to go back. Not that there's anything wrong with what's waiting for me in the future, but hey, it was a pretty good feeling, and I would do anything to warn myself of what was to come.

Oh well. I'm done with whining. I brought it on myself anyway. I hope we all have a wonderful year in '09, and be eternally grateful that this wretched one is now about to end.

*wanting-to-be-aloned-ness* See you next year.

Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done.

Once I lost my way when something good had just begun. Lesson learned, it's history when all is said and done.

Hairy Post

2008-12-31T10:45:00.001+10:00

I didn't mean to post two entries today, but seeing as I was originally intending to post it at 2:30am this morning, I guess it wouldn't have made much of a difference. Thanks to Vista's incredibly intelligent idea of restarting my computer as soon as I tried to uninstall a simple program, without giving me any sort of forewarning whatsoever, it obviously did not happen.

I don't know why I'm telling you this, but last night, I dreamed a very good dream. It was about a couple of people I knew a couple of years ago, and I was back where I wanted to be, in a familiar environment where I can remember I was quite happy. I liked it. This has prompted me to send a very sincere thank you/apology/accusation to a certain teacher whose respect I have for them is endless. Just so you know, if I had posted this last night, this last paragraph wouldn't have been part of it. Yeah... such is the nature of time.

Anyway, this was just going to be a short, simple, HOW THE HELL CAN YOU HAVE REBELLIOUS HAIR?? I mean, I know what they're trying to describe about certain kinds of hair, but doesn't anyone else think that they've used a really, really bad metaphor? It's like saying, "Oh, my hair is so rebellious it's on the USA's 'Most Wanted' list." Seriously! Hair doesn't go against society on its own accord. You don't give your hair a lecture, spank it a little bit on it's backside, ground it for life and find that the next morning your hair has made an alcatraz-like escape from it's godforsaken imprisonment of your head!

:@.

Zomg.

2008-12-30T00:14:00.000+10:00

Dear Everyone,

I HATE SORE EXCUSES FOR HOLIDAYS.

Holidays = boredom, mainly because everyone else is having fun. Therefore, Vivien is in desperate need of some form of entertainment which does not involve any illegal downloading. *ahem*.

I WANT TO BE ENTERTAINED!

Despite the large number of people who I've subscribed to on a large range of websites, NOBODY HAS POSTED ANYTHING. *infuriated lots*

Ok. You know what? Whatever. I wouldn't steal a car. I wouldn't steal a TV. I wouldn't steal a handbag. I wouldn't physically steal a movie. *Dramaticises* I would steal a virtual movie! What am I really doing to Australia's film industry? Where have all the flowers gone? Did The Teapot shout, "Tip me over pour me out" or did The Teapot shout? Why do I often like to embark on crazy, crazy organisational "projects" which usually involve checklists which I am able to maintain for about... until the sun sets? WHAT IS THE ANSWER TO LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING?

Oh my head is going to explode!

I'm heading down to Sunshine Coast with the Campbellator (yes, like an escallator, because I'm too tired to think of anything more interesting, plus I do think that he resembles one, in that he has silver glasses... and the steps are usually silv...black) tomorrow (and possibly fighting an onslaught of rain) and it's way past midnight so I'll be getting off to sleep now.

By the way, if anyone really cool reads this, FREAKING POST SOMETHING, MAN! And tell me when you do. But make sure it's interesting, because I like interesting things. Sometimes things that interest me are...

Baa.

Oh, and you, Miss Angela. I've figured out who it is who's been visiting from Gold Coast. Using Mozilla even when you're that far from home. hah! *winnnnnnn*

The Christening of a Stovetop

2008-12-28T22:11:00.000+10:00

lol. I got a new stove top. No - my family got a new stove top. I'm not abled enough. I've got to say though, they are spiffffffy little things. The old one got pretty handicapped; of the four hot plate thingies, we could only change the temperature of one while all the others were stuck on the hottest setting, and with one of them, one of the heat elements had broken so it would only do half the job.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I'M TELLING YOU ABOUT MY KITCHEN.

Anyway. I was going to do a "Christmas Special" blog post. It was going to be about how much I hated Christmas. I was afraid that I'd be attacked by a mob of angry internet goers, so I guess I'll do it at Easter.

OH WAIT! I JUST REMEMBERED WHY I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT MY KITCHEN. I CHRISTENED IT. :DD with Campbell's Tomato Soup. Although we had the stove top for about 3 ish days, I completely restricted my family from cooking on it until I felt the need for some soup, because that was what I wanted to be the first thing to have been made on the stove. Well, I finally did it today, 'cause I felt everyone was getting a little bit hungry. I did the whole ritual: mixing too hard so that it splashed everywhere; putting in way too much water compared to milk... Wow. The entire thing was so enlightening. I feel... changed. I know the food cooked now will never be the same, thanks to me. haha

So long.

ok now that I've viewed this post on my blogger, I just want to say, I have no idea why there is a sudden font change in the middle of it. Ermm... sorry? I can't fix it.

MSN Names

2008-12-23T16:27:00.000+10:00

Hidyho.

I've just decided that whenever I'm going to complain about something in posts, I'm not going to greet you. Yeah, take that, readers.

...

*Fail*

Anyway, I just want to point out how incredibly infuriating and*make-people-jump-to-silly-conclusions-ing* msn names/personal messages are. Okay, if I quickly just scan my list of people right now, I can tell you that these horrible little sequences of text are used only for one of/a large combination of these things:

1. Proclaiming incredibly un-hilarious jokes, thought of by the user themselves in a vain attempt for others to view them as "generally funny and very sociable people". Often, these people take joy from the fact that, because no one is able to understand these quirky remarks without actually questioning them, people have to personally contact them and ask them to explain it.

2. Displaying their incredibly versatile and "different" compilation of music. Really, I don't care if you listen to a band that I've never heard of, or listen to such a massive range of music that you've never repeated a song in your life. Publicly displaying what music you listen to nowadays, is almost like having to put on nice clothes in a video call so that people don't shun you. "Omg you seriously listen to such-and-such?" Fuck, I can listen to anything I want.

3. (2.1) Displaying their expansive knowlege of alternative music by posting obscure, yet "meaningful" lyrics in their personal messages. Sure, I am guilty of this too, but I am merely pointing out the fact that it happens.

4. Showing off the freaking gigantic number of friends/posse/people that they "love"/people who love them. From my contacts list, I have this one girl who manages to mention seven other people in her personal message alone, and her super important boyfriend, who gets a front seat in her main name.

5. (4.1) What makes this experience all the more maddening is that, usually when people get mentioned in msn names, it's because there's some sort of personal joke that they share. Ok, so this makes the user of the msn account to mention this joke. Oh, and then when you ask them about it, they say, "Oh, don't worry. It's just a joke that me and my friend have". First of all, you have horrible grammar. Second of all, IF IT'S SO FREAKING PERSONAL, DON'T PUBLICLY DISPLAY IT. Seriously.

6. (4.1.1) Usually when these jokes are publicised, they are written in a way which makes them incredibly, outrageously funny. A contact of mine has things about sex, boobs and jokingly dating a female friend of hers. It's almost like she's trying to insult me and saying that her friends are cooler than mine, and they're not afraid to speak their mind. Neither am I. I don't care how freaking fun filled your life is, or "daring" you and your friends are. I don't think anybody does, so stop sharing and exaggerating it.

7. Last of all, one of the most prominent reason people like to spruce up their msn names is so that that can express their great and all-the-way-to-China deep love for their other half. :/. Zomg that is so overrated. I have someone on my list who (yes, is a boy) has posted the fact that he is celebrating a one-month aniversary with his girlfriend. - What? Dude, 31 freaking days. Some girls would have a period twice in that space of time. *rolls eyes*. God, what has become of this world? It's like, people would doubt your fidelity if you didn't mention them in your msn name. SERIOUSLY.

I'm sick of all this crap. Meh. Whatever. This probably won't change anything anyway. Couple of things before we leave:

- OMFG Tom Milsom aka hexachordal replied to a comment of mine on his video! g;alskdlgkhsdf. yay.

- I am deeply engaged in watching inevitable-outcome battles on Pokemon Colosseum. Gahh. It has taken me over 2 hours to post this. :(

- I was looking at the tags to my posts, and I've discovered that the word I've tagged most with my blog is idiots. This is reasonably sad. Another :( for Vivien.

HiAtus + DBass - yays inside

2008-12-18T21:18:00.000+10:00

Hoai Go-uies.

I've decided that I will (she said, with strength and resolve, knowing full well that her commitment levels are so low, she could probably not commit to not committing) go on an internet hiatus in a short while. No, I do not wish to be participating in an internet "hiatus fad", but really, I'm feeling pretty FREAKING APATHETIC, and I deem that I will be for the rest of the holidays. As I mentioned before, I probably will not go on this said hiatus because I've promised myself that I will. I don't know. We shall see.

On other news though, I got a new dbass today! Some people are probably thinking, my god! spoilt (demon) child! I have reason! Hear me out. Okay, after some extensive research on the cost of "renting" a double bass (I don't like that word), my mother an I have discovered that it costs, approximately, on average $100 dollars (give or take maybe about $99) a MONTH. On the other hand, on a spiffy (risk taking, life threatening, heart wrenching, advantage taking) internet website like ebay, it costed me around $550 to buy it. Hmm... rent for 6 months, or buy it and smite the stores the moment I find out that the instrument isn't that shit, get my money's worth + much more? Anyway, I'll try post pictures (yeah, I know I never do) soon/most probably never.

Oh well. I've got lots of things to complain about so you can await my future posts. (see what this planned hiatus is doing to me??)

Housekeeping Stuff

2008-12-14T23:02:00.000+10:00

Hey Guys,

I'm moving to LJ soon [when I can be bothered].

Hopefully by the time that I do, they'll have been able to develop a function where you can syncronise blogs and stuff. But if I move before they do, I'll just copy and paste it to both blogs.

Other news though, on the 17th of December, 2008, I'll have had this blog site for exactly a month. To date, I've been visited by over 13 countries (at least) over 5 continents. If someone from Africa and Antartica would very kindly like to come land on my blog in the next 2 days or so, I'll be more justly able to say that I have been visited by people from all over the world. As of the last time I checked about two days ago, I have had 98 profile views. Again, if any African/Antartican/Afro-Antartican would like to jump onto my profile, hopefully your existance will double of importance to me. - just kidding. So yeah, I'm hoping to reach 100 by the 17th, so my life will be a little bit more complete than it is at the moment.

I'm feeling really awful at the moment, so please don't expect me to be making any decent posts any time soon. I know it's a horrible trade off for me to hope that people to be looking at my stuff while I'm moping about but gahhh. I feel like crap.

Youtube Symphony Orchestra

2008-12-14T01:50:00.001+10:00

Hey Guys.

Sorry I haven't been blogging lately. It's the holidays (yeah, the 2 month ones), so nothing much ever really happens to me during this time of year.

It's almost 2 o'clock in the morning, and I'm just sitting here on my own downstairs, surfing the internet with the tv on and my dog dreaming away. She gets quite active in her dreams. It's the funniest thing.

Anyway, if any of you use youtube regularly (or infrequently, either way), you might have noticed the little "Youtube Symphony Orchestra" icon in the lower right corner of most pages. Now, I've seen this icon for about a month now, and I've always wanted to explore it, but up until now, there's always been something that's been stopping me. Tonight though, I finally plucked up the resolve to click on it, and it's probably one of the most exciting ideas/projects I've ever had the fortune of coming across! Basically, it's setting out to have a bunch of about 100 people from all across the world to come together to create one epic symphony orchestra. I'm reaaally hoping to participate in this, even if it's just to audition and get some feedback from them, it's really got me jumping in my seat.

So, I really want to audition on my double bass. However, there's a smal hiccup in all this, in that I'M NOT CURRENTLY IN THE POSSESSION OF A BASS AT THE MOMENT. Gah. Entries for the audition due in by the 28th of January, 2009. The music isn't too hard (well, I'd have to practise it, for sure), but yeah... boo for Vivien. I don't think that the orchestra would be of like, ultimate professional standard, but they're saying that they're considering people of all ages, professional or amateur. I'm hoping that there won't be much competition amongst the double basses, and I'm really thinking that there wouldn't be anyway, because this opportunity is only open to everyone aware of it who can play an instrument, which kind of narrows it down a little bit, and then of all those youtubers, I'm not sure that an entirely large percentage of them would play the bass. And then, of all the people who can play the bass, I'm not sure if they would all be able to play it like, awesomely 'cause you know, it is youtube (kidding), and I'm not sure how many professional musicians would go wasting their time searching on youtube for an opportunity to be part of the world's first international symphony orchestra.

Haha.

Anyways, If you're reading this, and you're a musician, HAVE A GO! You have nothing to lose, and imagine the prospect of being chosen to be a part of it. It's a world first, and you'd be part of music history forever.

Here's the link: www.youtube.com/user/symphony. <-- GO.

Peace, dudes. I love you.

Australian Image

2008-12-10T14:01:00.001+10:00

Ok so on the news today, (oh this made the headlines by the way), AUSTRALIAN KIDS ARE DUMB, PARTICULARLY QUEENSLAND ONES. So this has called for all the political awe to seize this opportunity to improve their poor public image and conduct an "education review". Ok whatever, so here in Australia we're fat and lazy. That's not new. Having been overseas and all, everything in seems too easy for us. Good wage, standard of living, workplace unions - we've got it pretty good here. Australia always seemed to lack motivation anyway.

Then I hear that countries like England, US, Russia and Kazakhstan all did better than Queensland. Ok, still fine with me, but then as I watch on, there is an interview with a professor of some sort, and the news reader asks something along the lines of, "So, why has a country like Australia been out-performed by Kazakhstan?" That's just nasty. Then I periodically flick to other channels and each one, within 5 minutes of me watching it, flashes up with a news headline saying almost exactly the same thing: "Australia, beaten by Kazakhstan." It's like they're saying, "Oh shit, I can't believe some dirt like Kazahkstan beat us."

WHAT MAKES AUSTRALIA ANY BETTER THAN KAZAKHSTAN? EVIDENTLY, THEY'RE SMARTER THAN US, AND THEY'RE PROBABLY NOT DICKHEADS LIKE US. :@:@.

Fucking sore losers. It makes me so angry.

I don't even understand why they expect us to be any way else. With government advertisements selling the message to kids that you can earn more as a tradesman than taking a university pathway (I'm pretty sure the term for it is "fostering everybody's talents" - we're not all good at academics. [Clearly]), I don't see why we wouldn't all want to labour away. Seriously, they have nothing to complain about. Shove it back into your frack trap Australia.